On June 3, 2009 at 5:12 am Aaron Wilson Quintana was born via CBA5C.

The following is my recollection of how my labor and birth proceeded.  In places I have inserted the view points of my doula (offset in bold).

My labor started (ON IT’S OWN!! woohoo) around 3:30 am on June 2nd with mild contractions (very different than the BH I had been experiencing the 3-4 days beforehand).  They were coming about 10-12 minutes apart. After about an hour in bed I decided to get up and change my activity to see if they would continue, go away or increase. So I walked around the house, check the ICAN board, read emails, checked out some youtube, etc.   I noticed as I was on the computer that they were getting stronger and coming more frequently to about every 10-8 minutes apart.

After about an hour of computer time, I decided to change my activity again and see if things changed.  I got in the tub and shaved my legs. Hey if this was the real thing I wanted smooth legs. 😛

After I got out of the tub I called Teresa (my doula) and gave her a heads up.  She had been up all night with another mom and told me to keep her posted.  I told her that I had a chiropractic appointment scheduled at 9:00, an acupuncture appointment scheduled at 10:00 and then an appointment with Tate’s at 2:00.  I told Teresa I was just going to go about my day and see where things went.

On June 2^nd, 3 days after her due date, Rebecca began having contractions at around 3:30 a.m.  she was thrilled.  In her 4 previous births she had never gone into spontaneous labor.  She said that she felt so happy to have her body work.

On her calendar for that day she had scheduled a chiropractic appointment, and acupuncture appointment and a visit to Dr. T’s office.

I woke DH and asked if he was ready to have a baby today.  He said “WHAT?!”  I told him I thought I may be in early labor and that I was going to go to my appointments that morning and I would keep him posted.  He said ok and I went to get the kids up and dressed.   I packed the van with my hospital bags, cameras, and laptop just in case.

We left for the chiropractor about 8:30.  I was getting crabby with the kids because they were not moving fast enough, were being too demanding and whiney. When we left the house I was contracting about every 8-9 minutes but by the time I got to the chiropractor (roughly a 30 minute drive) they had slowed down to about every 10-11 minutes.

My father-in-law met us at the chiropractor’s office so he could take the kids back to his house while I went to my acupuncture appointment.   When I walked in the office I told my chiropractor that I thought I may be in early labor. He didn’t want to adjust me and “mess with” anything so he adjusted my kids.  Then we all went to my in-laws house (15 minutes from my chiropractor’s office).  As I was driving the contractions were requiring more concentration and breathing.  My 22 month old was mocking my breathing pattern it was so cute and a welcome distraction.

By the time I got to my in-laws the contractions were back to about every 8-9 minutes and were stronger. I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to drive myself to Athens for my acupuncture appointment, so I call and told them that I was unable to keep my appointment because I  may be in early labor.

I don’t know why but I kept trying to deny that I was in labor.

I called DH and told him that I was at his parents’ house and that I wasn’t going to my 10:00 appointment.  I also told him to get his work stuff squared away because I wanted him to go with me to Dr. T’s.  His mom suggested that he come there for lunch before we headed off to Dr. T’s.  I called Teresa to let her know how things were going.  She told me that the mom she was with was sent home and that she was going to an appointment and them home to rest.  I told her I would let her know if things picked up otherwise I would call her after my appointment with Dr. T.

While at my in-laws house I continued to contract in a regular pattern.  I just tried to distract myself by playing with the kids & chatting with my in-laws.  By the time DH got there my contractions were about every 7-8 minutes.   We ate lunch and then left for Dr. T’s.

The 50 minute ride to Dr. T’s office wasn’t too uncomfortable.  With each contraction I would breathe deeply as I listened to Aerosmith.  I had made a play list I wanted to listen to during labor but it was packed in my hospital bag in the back of the van.  So I enjoyed tunes from Aerosmith as it destracted me between contractions; about 5-6 minutes apart.

When we got to Dr. T’s office it was locked and not a soul in sight except a few other patients.  I  tried to log on to ICAN while waiting in the van to see if there was another ICANer he was with but I couldn’t get online.   At about 2:10 Mimi and Peyvand arrive. I asked where the good doctor was but neither of them knew.  They said he was still at the office when they left for lunch.

Hubby and I went into the office.  I signed in and went to the bathroom to leave my sample.  I notice a little bit of “show”. After my trip to the bathroom I headed back to the waiting room to sit with DH and mentioned to Peyvand that I have been contracting and that they were about 6 minutes apart.

Back in the waiting room I logged on to ICAN to see what was going on and to distract myself from the contractions.  After about 10 minutes and 3 contractions I couldn’t take sitting in the chair anymore so I gave my DH the laptop and I walked up and down the hall. Mimi was still trying to get in touch with Dr. T and Peyvand was beginning to get antsy because my contractions were picking up and coming about every 4 minutes.

Success!!  Mimi had Dr. T on the phone he was at Emory and he told her to have me wait for him at the office.   OK, I can do that.  Peyvand took my BP, got my weight, asked all the pertinent questions I have answered for the last 32 weeks as I continued to walk the hall. Back and forth back and forth breathe…breathe…. breathe

“Is that another one?”  Peyvand asks.  “Sweetie, that’s 3 in five minutes.  Mimi! Get Dr. T back on the phone and get an ETA… I can’t deliver a baby.”  I was thinking “Who? Me? Oh, if I could only be so lucky.”  Then I hear Mimi say over the phone “so you’re in your car?”

Ok, so he’s on his way.  A million thoughts were racing through my mind. “Is this it?  This is so manageable; this can’t be real labor it’s too easy; so easy to manage as long as I am up and walking.  I’m not in real labor, this must just be prodromal (false) labor. I am not in miserable pain like I was with DS.  It took me over 12 hours on PIT to get to 4cm.  So if this is the real thing it has to be very early so don’t get too excited.  I need to be ok with Dr. T checking me only to find that there is minimal progress or no progress at all and that I need to go home for now. “

Dr. T is in the house!  It’s about 3:20 and I go in to the exam room, get “waist down” and wait.  In walks the man.  I’m red today. No interns please! I’m not in the mood to be accommodating. I just want Dr. T and my husband in there and NOBODY else.

Dr. T greets me with the question “How long have you been contracting?”  I respond, “Within the last hour or so” thinking he was asking about the contractions coming so close together.  Then my husband chimes in with, “I thought you’ve been doing this since about 3:00 this morning.” GRRRR.   I was getting aggravated.  “I have NOT been contracting “like this” since early this morning; they were only about 10-12 minutes apart when they first started about 3:30 this morning.”

Just as I was about to clarify my contraction pattern for everyone interested in the topic Dr. T had me lay back on the exam table to check me. I started to have a contraction; laying flat on my back.    OOOOOOOCCCCCHHHHH!   Let me up from this tortuous position.

“Are you having one?” Dr T. asks.  “YYYYEEEESSSSSS!!!”   Then I feel him push my heals to my bottom and hear him shuffling around trying to glove up.  “What the crap is taking so long to check me?” I was thinking.  The contraction was subsiding and Dr. hadn’t even checked yet. I said in a painful grunt.  “It’s going away”.

Dr. T barely gets a chance to check me before it completely subsides.  I was so hoping it was good enough that I didn’t have lay down through another one or I would likely go ballistic.

The good the bad and the ugly!  First the good; I am 4 cm and about 60%.  There is also no sign of the Bandl’s ring yet!   The bad; the baby is at -4 station which is higher than I wanted him to be.  The ugly; Dr. T wants me to go to EUHM, which means that I wouldn’t be able to walk because of the hospitals “constant fetal monitoring with all VBAC patients” protocol.  Walking was so wonderful.  It was helping me so much.  I can’t see being unable to walk as being helpful for me at that point.

I Asked Dr. T, “If I go now, wont’ I have to be continually monitored?  Do I have to go right now?  Can’t I just hang out with here at your office?”

He responded with, “Yes, you know the protocol. You are a VBA5C and although I can’t force you, my official recommendation is that you go now.  You could hang out here but if there were an emergency, what good would I be to you here without an OR.”

He examined her, said she was 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced with a bulging bag of water but the baby was still very high, -3.  The Dr. felt that when her waters released the baby would drop down and told her to go to Emory midtown where she was due to have her baby. The couple took their time.  Rebecca was in no hurry to be at the mercy of constant fetal monitoring and limited food and water intake.

Already knowing what Dr. T’s response was going to be, I had prepared myself.  Ok, so DH and I headed to EUHM, but certainly in no hurry.  As we walk out of the office all the other patients who had watched me labor for the past hour and half began wishing us well and good luck.

When we got in the van, I insisted that I post on ICAN because I had noticed while waiting in the office that Sarah Yac had started a thread asking about our newest watched pots. So, I posted:

Nope, not sneaking by!  Leaving Tate’s now contracting 4-5 minutes. 4cm 60% -4 station.  “heading” to the hospital now will update later. Need baby low down vibes!!!

After I posted I called Teresa to let her know that we were heading toward EUHM.  To my great disappointment, she told me that she was back with the other mom and that her backup would be with me for my birth.  Being a doula myself I know that there is always the possibility that you can’t make it to a birth.  I told her that it was ok that she couldn’t be there although I would miss her presence.  She told me she would call her backup Guina and gave me her number so I could call her when I was ready for her to come to the hospital.

I then asked her if she knew of a decent hotel near the hospital.  She was very concerned that I was considering getting a hotel room and laboring there.  I eased her concerns.  I wasn’t planning on getting a room to labor in I was looking for an indoor place to walk some halls.  It was just too freaking hot to walk outside and I didn’t want to go to a mall to walk as too many people would just irritate me.

Teresa suggested that I go ahead and go to the hospital.  She said just because I was at the hospital that didn’t mean I had to check in right when I got there if I didn’t want.  She said that I could walk the halls of the hospital until I am ready to head to Labor & Delivery.  I told her I had thought about doing that, but was reluctant because I didn’t want some hospital employee come up to me and offering to escort me to L&D as if I were lost.  She doubted that would happen but suggested that I tell anyone that offered to show me the way to L&D that I already knew where it’s located.

Hubby agreed with Teresa and that we should just go ahead and make our way to the hospital.  I was ok with that but told him I wanted to find somewhere to get a good meal first as I was getting hungry.  He wanted to wait to find a restaurant closer to the hospital.  Whatever!

As we drove to EUHM we both were making calls; his parents and mine.  As we headed down I-85 toward the Midtown, I spotted Dillard’s and remembered that I didn’t pick up a pair of bedroom shoes for the hospital; something I was planning on doing that morning after my acupuncture appointment.  Hubby reluctantly exits at Atlantic Station and heads to the parking deck at Dillard’s.

We make our way to the shoe department on the second floor where the salesman tried to sale us a $50 pair of house shoes that looks like something one of the Golden Girls would wear. Dude! All I want is a pair of Dearfoams! We left the shoe department and DH suggested that maybe the slippers are with robes and gowns.  So we went to the lingerie department on the third floor. I ask an associate where I could find bedroom slippers. “Not here. They are in the hosiery department on the first floor” she replied.

UUUGGGGHHHH!   What?!?! Back to where we started. But first I needed to make a pit stop.  After locating the nearest restroom I discovered there was more show.

Finally, we find the slippers.  Hubby is starting to get antsy.  I had been contracting regularly during our trek through Dillard’s and he is eager to get me closer to the hospital; soon.  I wanted to find a pair that I could just slide on and that were either stretchy or adjustable not to mention that would fit my size 11 (more like 12 with all the swelling) foot.  After rejecting a few of the pair DH suggested, he found a style that met my criteria, but do they have it in pink? Yes!  “Now let’s check out and go” my hubby pleaded.

As we leave the parking deck DH gets turned around and we both have our own ideas about the best way to get to EUHM.  Needless to say we went hubby’s way considering he was in the driver seat.  Driving down Peachtree St. I am scouting out a good place to eat.  DH doesn’t want to stop because the traffic is thick and he “didn’t see any good places to park”.  ROLL EYES  I suspect he was just wanting to get to the hospital sooner rather than later.  When I commented that we were passing good restaurants and the hospital was just up ahead, he said, “Let’s just eat at the cafeteria”. Huh? I couldn’t believe he wanted to eat hospital food.  But according to his memory from when Ian was born in 2007, the cafeteria had “good food”.

Realizing that we were within a couple of blocks from the hospital and that I wasn’t going to change his mind I conceded.  We made our way to EUHM and found a space in the parking deck.  As we were pulling in, Guina called on my cell and introduced herself (I had never met nor spoken with her prior).  I told her that we were just getting to the hospital and that we were going for a bite in the cafeteria and then hang out walking around the halls and lobby area.  I told her that I would like for her to go ahead and meet us there and she told me that she could be there in about 45 minutes or so.

They walked and ate and walked a bit more in the lobby of the hospital.  I was the back up doula for Teresa who had been called to another birth and they were finally ready for me to come to them at around 5 pm.

Hubby and I left our bags in the van while we went to get something to eat at the cafeteria.  I wasn’t much in the mood for what was available in the cafeteria but DH spotted pizza and that’s what he got; chicken BBQ pizza.  It didn’t sound appetizing to me so I got the veggie pizza.  It had carrots on it.  That was odd.  But it was edible.  We also shared a piece of coconut cake.  We were there before the dinner rush so the eating area was pretty quiet.  The contractions are still coming steady every 4 minutes; yet they are still manageable.

After eating we decided to go back to the van and get our bags.  After returning to the waiting area just off the breezeway, I told DH that I wanted to walk some more. He was tired and so I left him behind to guard or things as I walked.

I never knew EUHM had an Aviary.  It was beautiful; all those colorful birds.  As I was making my way back to check on DH I spotted a lady coming down the escalator with a big ball and roller suitcase.  I thought to myself, “Hummm, I wonder if that is Guina.”  Apparently she was thinking the same as she spotted me waddling, I mean walking toward the escalator because she smiled and waved at me.

I arrived at 5:45 and found Rebecca dutifully walking the lobby as Mark stood guard over their belongings.  Even though we had not previously met we immediately seemed to enjoy one another’s company   I joined the laboring mom as she traversed every hallway and corridor available to the public.  It was too hot to walk outside.

We met at the base of the escalator and introduced ourselves then headed back up where DH was dutifully guarding our bags.  Because I felt better moving, we decided to walk some more.  Guina walked with me as DH watched over ours and Guina’s belongings.  I was having good strong contractions but they were so manageable as long as I was walking.

Soon she was ready to move to a more private area and we found a place under the escalators on the first floor to settle on the birth ball for awhile.  She was hot so I pulled out my trusty lemon fan and Mark bought her another bottle of water.  The two of them then went off for another walk and took some photos of the aviary in the main lobby.

I was coping well with each contraction by walking but was beginning to get tired.  So we sought out a more private area in the lobby as I was still not ready to go to the L&D.  We found a quiet spot under the escalators and created a little nest area for us.  After resting, chatting and cooling off I decided I need to walk some more.  This time DH went with me and Guina gave us her camera to take pictures of the aviary.  Most didn’t turn out.  The entire window had a thin screen behind it making the pictures fuzzy.

After returning to our nest, Guina went to the cafeteria to get something to eat.  DH and I waited and talked.  Just as Guina returned, I noticed a difference in the intensity of my contractions.  This is also the point in which my memory starts to get choppy and fuzzy about the events that followed.  My sense of time begins to fade.  I remember not long after Guina’s return I went to the bathroom and noticed a lot more show.  I was beginning to fell icky and was thinking how wonderful a shower would feel.

Around 6:45 she began feeling ready to move upstairs to a room so she could take a shower and by 7 Mark and I were hearing some definite moaning contractions.  We headed up the elevator at 7:15 but didn’t get into a room until 8 pm.

When I got back from my trip to the restroom, I expressed my desire for a shower.  I told DH and Guina that I felt it was time to head up to L&D.  I really wasn’t ready to go and start the constant monitoring, poking and prodding, and all the wonderful protocol that awaited my arrival.  BUT my desire to shower was stronger than my need to continue laboring with such sweet freedom.

When we got to the registration desk at L&D I was working hard to breathe and relax during the contractions.  When I told the intake person that I was a direct admit patient of Dr. T’s she asked if I was there for an induction. HA! I wanted to laugh. I just smiled politely and responded, “No M’am, I am already in labor.”  Was it not obvious?  I was breathing steadily and heavy while swaying my hips with each contraction.

After the paper work was done, we waited for the nurse to come get us.  I couldn’t understand what was taking them so long.  I got a call from my mom while we were waiting and she said that she and my dad would wait to come to the hospital after the baby was born; which was fine with me.  I didn’t really like the idea of anyone waiting in the waiting room while I labored.

Finally we were heading back to a room. As I was walking behind the nurse, I was hoping, “please don’t put me in the same room I was in with Ian”.  I just need a different room for this different labor.  They had a full house in L&D and I wasn’t taken to the same labor room I was in back in 2007.

Rebecca headed straight for the shower and refreshed herself before getting her IV placed and having her son monitored.

As soon as we walked into the room, I announced to the nurse that I wanted to shower before getting on the monitor.  She said, “Okay, honey you can do anything you want.” Really, did she know that I was a VBA5C?  I thought I was supposed to be tethered to the monitor as soon as I was admitted. .At any rate, I wanted to get in the shower before anyone realized who I was and reneged on the “blessing” to shower.  I had DH clean the tub with Basic G before I got in.  (Yes, I am a germaphobe)

Oh, that water felt so good; getting clean felt so good.  I didn’t want to get out.  Reluctantly I did get out because I noticed the contractions were slowing down and becoming less intense.  I didn’t want to slow down any progress that I might be making.

When I got out of the shower I got the hospital gown on and some socks.  The nurses came in and introduced themselves put the monitors on my swollen pregnant belly and started the hep-lock.   The first try resulted in a blown vein.  Ouch!  Then they tried to find another good one.  They found one in my left hand but I am left handed and requested they keep looking.  The hep-lock was placed on the underside of my right arm.  Of all the places I have had hep-locks this is by far the best.  It never hurt and never got in the way of anything.

At 8:45 Dr. T came in and checked her progress.  She was now 5 cm and 60% with the baby down to -2.  Just after the exam her waters released and he then placed an amnio infusion line in.

Soon Dr. T came in and checked me.  I was progressing! Yes!  Not only had I made progress, but I had progressed past the point I got to when the Bandl’s ring presented with Ian.  Just after the exam my waters broke and Dr. T noticed a lot of meconium.  He suggested an amnio infusion and I agreed.  The amnio infusion tube was inserted along with a pressure catheter to measure my contractions.  You would think they could warm up the saline fluid.  It was cold going in and felt strange.

Mark’s back was hurting so he went to the store to buy some Aleive.  Rebecca and I chatted and laughed together while he was gone.  She was resting upright in the bed.  We noticed that her contractions were slowing down.

Hubby began to get a backache and after asking around no one had any Aleve (the only thing that helps ease his backaches) so he decided to go some.  Guina and I took this time to get to know each other.  The nurse also came in and told me with the amnio infusion I had to stay in bed.  What? I was so hoping to avoid the bed as much as possible. Oh well, I tried to make the best of it by sitting strait up.   BUT, just as I feared my contractions started to slow down.  I began to wonder if this was the beginning of the end of my labor progressing on its own.

Around 10:10 Dr. T came back in because he could not get a good tracing on the baby.  He placed an internal monitor on the baby and said Rebecca could still stand up.  He felt her cervix was now 5-6 but the baby was not applied to it.

Dr. T came in because the baby wasn’t staying on the monitor so he wanted to place the internal fetal monitor so he could get a better tracing on the baby.  I really didn’t want the baby to have that probe in his scalp but I also didn’t want his tracing to be an issue.  When he examined me he found I was 6 cm and 60% but still at -2.  He commented that the baby’s head was not down on the cervix.  Although the baby was still high, I was so hopeful because I was still progressing.

When Dr. T was done with his exam and was watching the tracings on the monitor he mentioned that some of the ladies on ICAN were looking for an update and ask if I was okay with him posting my current status.  I was fine with it and even was a little flattered that my ICAN sisters wanted to know how I was doing.

“RebeccaQ approved: 6cm/60/-2. seems better than last preg.

After the exam and hearing that there was progress DH whispered in my ear, “I think it’s going to happen for you this time, Baby!”  I looked at him and asked, “You really think so?”  It felt so amazing to hear him say that to me.  It really looked like things were going in that direction.

Dr. T commented that my contractions had slowed down since I was in bed.  I told him that the nurse said I had to stay in bed because of the amnio infusion.  He said that was nonsense and said I could get out of bed.  I was glad to hear that.  I felt better standing up and moving through the contractions.

Rebecca had a GREAT attitude and seemed to stay so soft and relaxed, breathing through each surge as Mark gently touched her.  We laughed as he joked around about getting thrown out of the hospital for telling the nurses exactly what Rebecca will and will not do.  Rebecca is much more comfortable standing, and the contractions have increased as well.

At 11:30 she felt so tired so she climbed into the bed, resting on her left side.  Mark heated the rice sock and she continued her long slow breaths through the surges.

Dr. T came back at 12:30 am to check again.  He said there was not change.

Nearly two hours passed.  It was just after 2 am when Rebecca vomited.  And soon afterward told us that she was feeling pressure.  She was unable to urinate.

I don’t remember much that happened during these hours, but I do remember DH’s hands on me comforting me through each contraction; rubbing my back, stomach, and thighs, squeezing my hips, swaying with me, etc.  He earned some major kudos points for his loving support during this labor.  Thank you, Baby, I love you endlessly!

Hoping for progress, at 3 am Dr. T checked again.  No change.  Even when Rebecca pushed through a contraction as he examined her, her cervix did not change and the baby did not move down.  He offered her some pitocin and she and Mark asked us to step out so they could discuss their options.

The Bandl’s ring had represented and brought my beautiful, self-starting, self-progressing labor to an end.  When Dr. T began to report how there wasn’t any progress being made and how he could feel a ring developing just above my cervix, I could hear the disappointment in his voice.  Although Dr. T said my contractions were adequate, he offered to administer some pitocin and see of the extra power could get the baby’s head more applied to the cervix and past the ring.

I had already decided that if the Bandl’s ring represented during this labor I would not subject myself or my baby to hours of pitocin; instead I would elect a cesarean.  I had been that route with Ian in 2007 and to no avail.

Hubby and I sent everyone out so we could talk about our options.  While they were gone I told him that I didn’t want the pitocin and he agreed.  He told me I had done all I could do and that he was so proud of me and how far I had come.  He said that he admired me for surrendering my most sought after desire of a vaginal birth for what was in the best interest of our child.

Dr. T and I went to the internet and reviewed the diagnosis which he believed applied to Rebecca, a Bandl’s ring.  He felt even more convinced after looking it up.  Soon we were invited back into the labor room by Mark.  Rebecca decided to choose a cesarean birth for the sake of her baby.  She felt that he had been stressed enough and she was unwilling to cause him more.  This beautiful laboring mother had done all she could.  She had prayed that God would grant her a vaginal birth and felt that it was not in his will.

At 4:30 she was wheeled back to the birthing suite and gave birth to their baby boy.

Dr. T asked as he was closing me up if I wanted to post that I had delivered on ICAN and I said that would be fine.

“ Rebecca still has that Bandl’s Ring, so had a CBA5C. Baby boy! But no evidence of UR, even laboring after 5 CSs. I’m sure she will give details. (Rebecca approved.) “

I had planned on posting some information once I was set up in my PP room.  However, because of the complications that followed the cesarean I didn’t get the chance.

As much as I planned and worked toward a vaginal birth I know that my son was born into this world the way in which it was meant to be for him.  I know this cesarean was necessary. Although there is disappointment, there is also peace and acceptance.

I am so grateful for so many things.

I am grateful for Dr. T and his commitment to practice evidence based medicine, and his willingness to let his patients choose their own path to labor and birth.

I am grateful for the support I received during my pregnancy and labor from my doulas, Teresa and Guina.

I am grateful for ICAN and its mission of cesarean awareness, prevention, recovery and support.  I am grateful for the Atlanta ICAN group for their continued support and comradery.

I am grateful for a wonderfully supportive and loving Husband who stands by me, trusts me to make the best decision for myself and our family, and respects my view, ideas and individuality.

I am grateful for my amazing body, that knew exactly when to initiate labor, maintain labor and how to loving yield to the necessary assisted birth of my son; as well as its ability to heal.

Today’s post is authored by Catherine Harper, a former teacher, forum moderator for ICAN, wife and mother to two very active boys.

Like most cesarean moms, the story of my VBAC-turned-CBAC begins with the birth of my first child.  During my first pregnancy, my husband and I prepared for a natural birth by doing all the right things: taking Bradley classes, hiring a doula, reading lots of books, talking with other natural birth moms, exercising, eating healthy, and on and on and on.  But after a 46-hour labor that included unplanned interventions and a malpositioned baby, my son was born via cesarean section.  Needless to say, though I was completely in love with my sweet baby boy, I was devastated by my birth experience and mourned its loss for months.

Thankfully, I was able to breastfeed my son, and that became my saving grace.  Yet while I nursed him, my thoughts often turned to the birth I did not have, and I daydreamed about doing it over again.  I prayed endlessly that my little boy would just be enough for me, reminding myself that, whether I gave birth vaginally or by cesarean, the end result, that sweet baby, would be the same.  But that wasn’t enough, and I just couldn’t fill the endless ache in my heart.  I replayed my birth over and over again in my head, looking for things I should have done differently.  I hated Sundays in those first weeks and months, because that was when I went into labor, and I would literally hold my breath until 7:28 on Tuesday mornings, because that was when my son was born.  I turned my head away driving by the hospital and felt tears prick my eyes when I saw the huge signs of a pregnant woman advertising the new Women’s Center there.  I couldn’t stand to look at my maternity clothes or even put them away, because they reminded me of a happier time, before my c-section changed me.  I was truly mourning the loss of my vaginal birth, and I just had to work through the stages of grief.  My sadness didn’t affect my feelings for my son,and I cared for him easily and found joy in doing so, but inside, my heart was broken.

After finding ICAN, I was comforted by the knowledge and strength of its members, and gave my grief purpose by preparing for a future VBAC.  I’m sure, to those who know and love me, I seemed obsessed, but educating myself gave me something to focus upon in those early months of sadness.  I befriended other cesarean mothers and joined a local mom’s club, swapping birth stories whenever the topic came up.  I was surprised to discover that so many other new moms had experienced similar circumstances, and there seemed to be too many traumatic birth stories in our group.  I left my obstetrician’s practice when she didn’t appear supportive of a VBAC, and began looking for a new doctor.  I attended any VBAC webinar ICAN offered, cheered other moms as they planned their VBACs, and dreamed of the day when I would have mine.

As the months went by, my grief lessened, as people said it would, though I continued to focus on my VBAC plans extensively.  Nine months after my first son was born, I became pregnant with my second child, and though the timing was earlier than originally planned, my husband and I were thrilled.  I should mention that I have scleroderma, a connective tissue disease, and Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disorder that causes hyperthyroidism.  Though both issues are well controlled and don’t impact my daily life, they automatically make me high risk during pregnancy, and because of this, I am not a good candidate for a home birth.

Still hoping for a VBAC, I found a local OB-midwife practice with a great VBAC rate, and though I fought hard to avoid the high-risk label, I did have to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy, just as I did during my first.  At my 16-week ultrasound, our baby was found to have several choroid plexus cysts, which by themselves are benign, but coupled with a heart issue, can be indicative of Trisomy 18.  My husband and I spent one anxious month waiting to find out if our second child would be healthy, and during that time, I found a bit of a new perspective, realizing I would gladly give up a chance at a VBAC in an instant to protect my unborn child.  At my 20-week ultrasound, the cysts had disappeared and we learned we were having a second son.

During my second pregnancy, I worked with my doula to prepare for a VBAC, and she suggested also creating a c-section plan and then filing it away in a drawer.  I did this, making a list of all the things I didn’t get to experience with my first cesarean.  Though I knew that my chances of achieving a VBAC were high, I did realize that I might still be faced with a c-section again.  I also knew that I didn’t want to put my baby or myself in any danger, especially because I had a young son waiting for me at home.  I was his mother, first and foremost, and I had to put his needs over my own desires.  I worried about another marathon labor, and how that would impact my ability to care for two babies.  One of my midwives actually eased my mind by reminding me that I could stop at any time, meaning I had the right to ask for a c-section if my labor went on too long, and by saying that, she helped me see that I was in control, something I never felt during my first son’s birth.

Because of my high-risk issues, my medical providers began advocating for a 39-week induction, and my husband and I resisted this idea for weeks and weeks.  Our son was healthy, according to weekly ultrasounds in the third trimester, and I hoped to go into labor naturally, just as I did during my first pregnancy.  Eventually, after much discussion on both sides, we agreed to an induction the day before my due date.  I was already 4 centimeters dilated by that time, so breaking my water was enough to get active labor started.

This time, my labor was completely textbook, short, and beautiful.  I welcomed my contractions, realized when I was in transition, and pushed with all my might in different positions for two hours.  But my son would just not descend, and I could feel this.  When my doctor mentioned that things seemed to be heading in the same direction as before, I agreed with her and realized that I was going to have a CBAC.  I remember telling my husband, “You know what to do,” as he was handed scrubs and I was wheeled to the operating room.  My labor nurse stayed with me as the spinal was placed, reassuring me, as I struggled through contractions, that we were about to have a birthday and, “next year, there will be cake.”

After a few moments, my doctor told my husband to stand up and allowed him to film our son leaving my body, so I got to see it on video later.  As she pulled him out, my doctor called our son by his name, welcoming him into the world.  When he was weighed a few minutes later, my husband announced his weight, and everyone in the operating room broke into cheers and laughter.  My husband stood by my side for a long time, holding our baby in his arms, and though he was not born vaginally, I had tried my hardest, and it was a wonderful experience.  Our little family spent hours cuddling and nursing in recovery, and the nurses gave us the privacy that we so desperately needed. Later, my postpartum nurse, who was also pregnant, told me how sorry she was that I didn’t get my VBAC, and I reassured her that it had been an amazing birth.

I had some complications with my incision that caused more pain than I experienced with my first cesarean, but this time, my heart was light and free.  I had worked extremely hard and fought for the best birth for my baby, however it turned out, and in the end, that was exactly what I got.  I felt that rush of pure joy that mothers are supposed to feel after birth, and I was Earth Mother, tandem nursing my newborn and my toddler.  My precious second son, the icing on the cake and the period at the end of our family’s sentence, was finally here, healthy and happy, and I was healed forever.

Sure, I sometimes get a moment of doubt and wonder if things could have been different, but it’s not that painful ache that lasted for months after my first son’s birth.  I gave away my maternity clothes once I stopped wearing them, shedding only a few tears, and as my baby, who is now 13 months, ages out of his clothing and gear, I joyfully donate things to friends and charities, looking forward to the next stage in his life.  I congratulate my pregnant friends and empathize with their discomforts, all the while knowing that I will never again carry a child inside me.  My baby is a mama’s boy, the complete opposite of  my first son, and I revel in this, realizing that I will never nurse another child after him.  I will never have a vaginal birth, and that is okay, too.  It took me a long time to get to that point, and to be able to say it without tears, but I am there now.  I realize that my experience is simply that, my own, but I hope it can be of some comfort to other CBAC moms.  I am looking forward to life with two active boys, and I have no regrets.

I never imagined, when this journey started, that it would begin and end with a cesarean section, but that’s how it turned out, and I am stronger for it.

A few sources that really helped me process my first c-section and my CBAC include:

ICAN’s White Papers

Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses by Claudia Panuthos and Catherine Romeo, 1984

“Having a Cesarean-in-Awareness” by Virginia Bobro and Donna Moore

http://www.birthingfromwithin.com/cesarean