{"id":45,"date":"2015-08-06T01:02:04","date_gmt":"2015-08-06T01:02:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/?page_id=45"},"modified":"2015-08-06T01:02:04","modified_gmt":"2015-08-06T01:02:04","slug":"processing-the-cbac","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/processing-the-cbac\/","title":{"rendered":"Processing the CBAC"},"content":{"rendered":"

Reposted from posts on the ICAN Blog\u00a0here<\/a> and here.<\/a><\/strong><\/span>
\n
\nMelek Speros<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

When my CBAC birth story\u00a0was first published on the ICAN blog<\/a>\u00a0a couple months after my baby\u2019s birth, one comment on it really stuck out to me. \u00a0It was from another CBAC mom who told me that my feelings about my CBAC would \u201c\u2026ebb and flow, and will vary a lot over time, even when you have had a relatively positive experience.\u201d \u00a0\u201dWHAT?!?\u201d I thought to myself upon reading that. \u00a0I was (and am) still riding the high of an empowered pregnancy and birthing experience\u2013a totally different kind of experience than the birth of my first son. \u00a0I had unintentionally gone in to my birth expecting to be devastated if I wound up with another cesarean birth\u2013I even cried during labor to my midwives that I would never have a baby again if I had another cesarean. \u00a0So I was more than pleasantly surprised to have only positive feelings about my son\u2019s birth. When I woke up from the surgery, the first thing that popped in to my head was \u201cWhoa!! That was awesome, I can\u2019t wait to do that again!\u201d (Of course, hoping that next time it would end in a vaginal birth\u00a0\u00a0)<\/p>\n

Around month 8 postpartum, what should have been a minor and easily resolved misunderstanding between friends revealed to me that I had left out a really big part of my healing process. \u00a0While I celebrated the joy and beauty in the birth of my son, I neglected to give myself space to mourn the loss of the vaginal birth I had worked so hard for. \u00a0Through copious and highly emotional email exchanges with a fellow CBAC mom friend who helped me to work through it, I finally gave myself the space to grieve. \u00a0And I cried and cried and cried. \u00a0I\u2019m crying now even typing about it. \u00a0I wanted that vaginal birth so badly and, you know what? \u00a0It kind of sucks that I didn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

In my birth story, I wrote about giving myself permission to feel whatever came along with his birth. \u00a0I realized after my minor emotional breakdown that I hadn\u2019t given space to the feelings of grief that came up, not right away, but later on down the road. \u00a0I think a big part of me felt like giving breath to those feelings might somehow take away from the amazing experience that was my CBAC. \u00a0But I learned the two aren\u2019t mutually exclusive. \u00a0Being sad that the vaginal birth I wanted so desperately didn\u2019t happen doesn\u2019t mean that my birth was any less powerful or sacred.<\/p>\n

And I think that\u2019s the biggest lesson I\u2019ve learned thus far on my journey. \u00a0Give yourself space, freedom and permission to feel whatever you need to feel about your CBAC whenever you need to feel it. \u00a0Your feelings on day 1 may not be the same as they are on day 5 or day 17 or day 397, but whatever your feelings are, they are yours and they are valid.<\/p>\n

Amy Shireman<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Coming to Terms with My CBAC<\/p>\n

By Amy Shireman of Shirebacon.com<\/p>\n

My older son, Jack was born just over three years ago via a \u201cplanned\u201d c-section.\u00a0 I\u00a0use the quotes because it was planned for all of two days.\u00a0 He turned breech at my 39 week OB appointment.\u00a0 I had a c-section two days later.\u00a0 From the second I found out that I would give birth to Jack via c-section, I knew that I wanted a VBAC.\u00a0 When I was admitted for Jack\u2019s birth, my nurse could tell that this was not what I wanted.\u00a0 As she calmly reassured me, she mentioned a VBAC and that practice I was with had an excellent VBAC track record.\u00a0 I was beyond thrilled.<\/p>\n

Fast-forward two\u00a0years and I am faced with a decision.\u00a0 After WEEKS of very strong contractions, I am not dilating past \u201cmaybe 1 cm\u201d.\u00a0 A decision is needed.\u00a0 Either a RCS or an induction.\u00a0 I chose induction with a foley cath followed by Pitocin.\u00a0 I knew that my decision to be induced increased my chance of another c-section but I was positive that it wouldn\u2019t come to that.\u00a0 I was wrong.\u00a0 After 20 hours of labor, 8 hours stuck at 7 cm and an amnio-infusion, my little boy was having heart decels, my progress had stopped and no one (including myself) was comfortable continuing labor.\u00a0 And thus began my unexpected CBAC.<\/p>\n

I had done a few things while I was pregnant to cope with a possible CBAC.\u00a0 First was to accept that it was a possibility.\u00a0 The other thing I was to have a birth plan of sorts.\u00a0 Not a true plan, but a wants\/doesn\u2019t want kinda list.\u00a0 No it didn\u2019t sting any less when my doctor sat on the side of my bed, took my hand and told me she recommended a c-section, but I didn\u2019t feel blind-sided like I did last time.\u00a0 And it allowed me to have some control over what was happening.<\/p>\n

When I came home from the hospital after my CBAC, I felt good.\u00a0 I had labored for 20 hours!\u00a0 No, I didn\u2019t push, or give birth vaginally, but I had done more than the 1st time around when I hadn\u2019t felt a single contraction.\u00a0 The medical staff had done everything that they could to avoid another c-section and I was happy about that.\u00a0 I was disappointed, but I felt OK about my decisions.\u00a0 And I was OK about\u00a0not giving birth vaginally.\u00a0 Or so I thought.<\/p>\n

Over the next several months, a few things happened.\u00a0 My husband and I decided that we were, in all likelihood done having children, people I knew had successful VBACs, I had to leave my OB for insurance reasons, and my sister announced her pregnancy.\u00a0 And that\u2019s when it happened.\u00a0 I had a complete breakdown.\u00a0 I was mad, I was angry and I was sad.\u00a0 I realized that I would likely never have the vaginal birth that I so desperately wanted.<\/p>\n

I had a long talk with\u00a0my husband.\u00a0 He tries very hard to understand and he pointed out one very important thing to me.\u00a0 After Jack was born, I talked about my c-section all the time.\u00a0 I talked about my disappointment and my desire for a VBAC.\u00a0 I talked about the c-section itself, I talked about my recovery.\u00a0 After Xander was born, I didn\u2019t talk about at all.\u00a0 Maybe it was being busy with a 2 year old and a newborn, maybe it was my easy recovery, but more likely it was denial.\u00a0 I never allowed\u00a0myself to process the CBAC like I had done with my first c-section.\u00a0 On top of my disappointment, I needed to deal with the fact that I would likely not have any more children and never give birth vaginally.<\/p>\n

So I started talking about my CBAC.\u00a0 I started blogging about VBACs, my boys\u2019 birth stories, my feelings.\u00a0 I connected with some other moms who have had CBACs, I\u2019ve listened to women who had similar feelings about their c-sections and I\u2019ve shared my feelings.\u00a0 I was starting to feel much better and then BAM! I was blindsided. Twice.<\/p>\n

I saw a request on a blog for \u201cunnecessary c-section stories.\u201d \u00a0A blogger who was training to be a doula wanted to highlight unnecessary c-section stories and what could be learned from them.\u00a0 Neither of my c-sections were unnecessary, but I emailed the blogger anyway.\u00a0 I offered to tell my stories and she proceeded to essentially tell me that I was wrong for being induced, wrong for trusting my doctor and wrong for agreeing to either c-section.\u00a0\u00a0 This after I literally explained my experiences in 3 sentences.\u00a0 I was FUMING.\u00a0 I wrote a blog post, I engaged in an email exchange with her, I yelled at my husband about her.\u00a0\u00a0 She accused me of being defensive because in my heart I knew that I was wrong in my choices. I finally just had to stop. I wasn\u2019t going to convince her otherwise and I didn\u2019t need to convince her.\u00a0 My feelings and opinions are the only ones that matter and I without a doubt know that I did the right thing for me and my boys.<\/p>\n

Then in early August my niece was born.\u00a0 After my sister told me she was in labor, I waited by the phone and was beyond thrilled when my sister called to say that she gave birth to a beautiful healthy little girl.\u00a0 You guys, I\u2019ve never admitted this to anyone before.\u00a0 After I got off the phone with my sister, I cried.\u00a0 Not tears of happiness.\u00a0 Tears of jealousy.\u00a0 I tried SO HARD to have a vaginal birth.\u00a0 I did everything I could and it still didn\u2019t happen.\u00a0 I researched everything I could, prepared every way possible and nothing.\u00a0 My sister? I love her to death, but she\u2019s not a researcher like me.\u00a0 She basically just showed up at the hospital and 8 hours later had a baby.\u00a0 I felt like a horrible person for being so jealous.<\/p>\n

Later that night I was on Twitter and saw someone tweet something that really put things into perspective.\u00a0 It was someone who struggled with infertility.\u00a0 Someone close to her got pregnant super quickly and she basically said that she was insanely happy and insanely jealous all at the same time and that she was glad that she was in a place where she knew that it was ok to be jealous.\u00a0 That\u2019s when it hit me.\u00a0 I had to see the words to realize that it was ok.\u00a0 I\u2019m allowed to be jealous and happy at the same time.\u00a0 I can feel both at the same time.\u00a0 And that jealousy is part of my healing and acceptance process.<\/p>\n

These two events have helped me immensely in coming to terms with my CBAC.\u00a0 And I know it\u2019s a process, one that continues even 13 months after my CBAC.\u00a0 I still have my moments and I suspect that I will always carry with me some amount of disappointment over both my c-sections.\u00a0 But the important thing is that I know that it\u2019s ok to be disappointed.\u00a0 I know that my feelings are my feelings and\u00a0 that it\u2019s not \u201cwrong\u201d to have them and that just because it\u2019s been more than a year since my CBAC, I don\u2019t have to be over my disappointment.\u00a0 I have connected with a lot of people who I can turn to when I need someone to listen to\u00a0me or encourage me. \u00a0I am forever grateful for that.<\/p>\n

Melissa Tyler-Belmonte<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Many women, myself included, have planned VBACs (vaginal birth after Cesarean) or HBACs (homebirth after Cesarean). \u00a0I, myself, had a planned HBAC turn into a CBAC in 2007. After my birth, as I began processing my experience and my feelings, I turned to the internet birth community for help \u2013 and found not much out there. There were many triumphant, happy VBAC\/HBAC stories (and of course, I cheered internally for every mama out there who was blessed with the birth they wanted) but only a smattering of women talking about their experiences with unplanned CBACs or \u201cfailed\u201d homebirths\/VBACs. At the time, I was also not able to find a local ICAN chapter to share my experience with. Feeling unrepresented in the birth community was a sad thing for me, but I continued on my journey processing my birth and trying to find and talk to other mothers who had been through the same thing as myself. I am thrilled to be contributing to the ICAN Blog on this topic, and I hope that \u201cCBAC Week\u201d will be an invaluable resource to all the C-section\/CBAC mamas to come!<\/p>\n

To sum up my own experiences, I had my first C-section in 2004 for breech presentation, amongst other issues. I planned a VBAC for my next baby as soon as I knew it was a possibility. In 2006, I found out I was carrying twins. Still determined to VBAC but being turned down by OB\/GYN providers as a VBAC candidate due to the twin pregnancy, I found a homebirth midwife who would accept me as a patient. Unfortunately, due to breech\/transverse positioning and stalled labor causing failure to descend once I hit 10 centimeters, I underwent a subsequent C-section to deliver my babies after over 24 hours of labor. My extended birth stories can be found\u00a0here<\/a>. \u00a0My \u201cfailure\u201d to HBAC hit me like a train \u2013 it was so unexpected, something I had hardly considered as a possiblity. I had been so pumped up by most birth literature that I was doing what my body was designed to do, I had done everything \u201cright\u201d for optimal fetal positioning, I had worked hard to stay pregnant as long as possible, including enduring a ridiculously high-protein diet and spending most of my time resting despite having a toddler. I refused to let negativity into my space \u2013 I didn\u2019t even pack a hospital bag. I was in no way prepared to walk into a hospital and acquiesce to another Cesarean, but it happened.<\/p>\n

My first step of processing happened before the C-section even occurred. I made it a point to say to hospital staff \u201cI am here for a Cesarean.\u201d I knew that my chances of being \u201callowed\u201d to VBAC at the hospital were almost nonexistent, and I knew that if I asked for a C-section when I walked in rather than having it pressed on me by hospital staff, I\u2019d feel better about it later. It was my way of taking control of the situation, and keeping it my birth, rather than the birth the hospital gave me. Obviously, that is not an option for women who have already gone through their unplanned CBAC \u2013 but this tip may be helpful for anyone making a contingency plan for a CBAC, should their VBAC\/HBAC not happen as they planned. Indeed, asserting myself and calling the shots was also a major factor in planning a peaceful, empowered CBAC with my fourth child. I think that most birth trauma stems from a loss of control of your birthing experience \u2013 so planning ahead of time ways you can remain \u201cin the driver\u2019s seat\u201d even if your birth plan goes awry is a great idea.<\/p>\n

My second tip is to ask for help. So many of us who have planned VBACs or HBACs planned to be mobile shortly after birth, able to care for ourselves and our children with relative ease, and may not have planned ahead for the alternative of surgical recovery. Be vocal about your needs with family and friends. Don\u2019t push your body too hard \u2013 allow yourself time to recover and allow those around you to pick up your slack while you recover and enjoy your baby. Don\u2019t feel compelled to \u201cmake up\u201d for your birth outcome by being Super Mom \u2013 this was my mindset early on, and I definitely extended my recovery days and possibly even weeks by doing too much. Be gentle to yourself, respect your body\u2019s need to recover. This tip is especially important if you labored before your CBAC, and especially if you labored for a good long while \u2013 your body went through labor AND major surgery! And most importantly, asking for help allows you time to rest and focus on emotionally processing your experience.<\/p>\n

Emotionally, coming home to find the birth\u00a0paraphernalia\u00a0– the birth pool (drained, but still inflated,) some gloves, part of the birth kit \u2013 still out and around was perhaps the most difficult part of the experience for me. I allowed myself to have a bit of an emotional breakdown while my husband removed the pool and the other items. Allow yourself to process through emotion \u2013 whether it\u2019s crying over the loss of your desired birth, or laughing over memories of the process. Bottling it up to deal with later is tempting when you\u2019re exhausted and have a new baby to care for and family coming in and out visiting, but this step is vital. And all kinds of emotions are to be expected. I experienced grief over the loss of my experience, shame that I wasn\u2019t strong enough to push my babies out, pride and wonder at how well I had handled labor, anger at the family members who told me \u201cI told you so,\u201d and, due to the circumstances of my CBAC, relief that everything had turned out okay and that the complications I experienced hadn\u2019t been worse. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and accept them as they were, without overanalyzing or being angry at myself for feeling them, was a tip given to me by a therapist many years before I started having children, but it helped me process this particular experience beyond measure. No matter what you are feeling about your unplanned CBAC, it is valid.<\/p>\n

Talking about my CBAC experience helped so much, and still does. Over four years later, I still feel comforted telling people about my births; it\u2019s almost as if I\u2019m unloading a small piece of the burden onto the listener. My husband heard most of it, and I was blessed that he, too, felt the sadness and grief over the loss of our birth experience that I did \u2013 that commiseration was invaluable. I also found tons of commiseration online, in forums and on the blogs of people who had been through similar experiences.\u00a0ICAN \u2013 both meetings and online groups \u2013 can be invaluable in connecting you with other mothers to share your experience.\u00a0For those uncomfortable with the internet as a medium for processing their feelings about their birth, therapy with a psychiatrist or counselor is also a valuable tool. Talking about your emotions makes them tangible and can help you feel validated, and feedback from the listener is also a valuable tool in dealing with the emotions surrounding your birth experience.<\/p>\n

My final tip is that if you felt mistreated or marginalized during your CBAC, speak up about it. Make a call, or write a letter to your care providers letting them know that your birth experience was unsatisfactory and what they did to contribute to that. I was able to verbally tell the doctor who performed by unplanned CBAC that her comments about the integrity of my uterus made me feel terrible and as if I was a womb, rather than a person, to her, and this led to a conversation that I believe helped her to realize that patients with unexpected birth outcomes required support and gentleness rather than flippant comments on the way out of the OR. You don\u2019t have to send the letter if you don\u2019t want to, but getting the feelings down on paper in a manner you can make more sense of them can be helpful in your healing process as a way to \u201cunload\u201d those feelings. If you choose to send the letter, you can do so with the knowledge that your experience may pave the way for better care for other mothers. And conversely, thanking a provider who was supportive and sympathetic through your unplanned CBAC can also be cathartic and open up another line of communication that allows you to share and process your experience.<\/p>\n

I know that as time goes on, in my own experience, processing became easier and easier. It\u2019s hard to look at my two four-year-olds, one feisty and one sweet, and not feel content with what was a rocky beginning. In my opinion, the most important thing to take away from any birth experience is that your feelings are completely valid no matter what they are. Even the best birth can leave some negative emotions, and even the scariest, most traumatic birth can have bright spots or fortunate outcomes. There is no \u201cperfect birth,\u201d and being able to share your experiences with others is the best way to move towards peace and healing. I am grateful to be given a spot to share my experiences here on the ICAN Blog, I am thrilled that ICAN is addressing the topic of CBACs this week, and I hope that my tips for processing your CBAC experience are helpful in your journey!<\/p>\n

Catherine Harper<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Like most cesarean moms, the story of my VBAC-turned-CBAC begins with the birth of my first child. \u00a0During my first pregnancy, my husband\u00a0and I prepared for a natural birth by doing all the right things:\u00a0taking Bradley classes, hiring a doula, reading lots of books, talking\u00a0with other natural birth moms, exercising, eating healthy, and on and\u00a0on and on. \u00a0But after a 46-hour labor that included unplanned\u00a0interventions and a malpositioned baby, my son was born via cesarean\u00a0section. \u00a0Needless to say, though I was completely in love with my\u00a0sweet baby boy, I was devastated by my birth experience and mourned\u00a0its loss for months.<\/span>
\n
\nThankfully, I was able to breastfeed my son, and that became my saving\u00a0grace. \u00a0Yet while I nursed him, my thoughts often turned to the birth\u00a0I did not have, and I daydreamed about doing it over again. \u00a0I prayed\u00a0endlessly that my little boy would just be enough for me, reminding\u00a0myself that, whether I gave birth vaginally or by cesarean, the end\u00a0result, that sweet baby, would be the same. \u00a0But that wasn\u2019t enough,\u00a0and I just couldn\u2019t fill the endless ache in my heart. \u00a0I replayed my\u00a0birth over and over again in my head, looking for things I should have\u00a0done differently. \u00a0I hated Sundays in those first weeks and months,\u00a0because that was when I went into labor, and I would literally hold my\u00a0breath until 7:28 on Tuesday mornings, because that was when my son\u00a0was born. \u00a0I turned my head away driving by the hospital and felt\u00a0tears prick my eyes when I saw the huge signs of a pregnant woman\u00a0advertising the new Women\u2019s Center there. \u00a0I couldn\u2019t stand to look at\u00a0my maternity clothes or even put them away, because they reminded me\u00a0of a happier time, before my c-section changed me. \u00a0I was truly\u00a0mourning the loss of my vaginal birth, and I just had to work through\u00a0the stages of grief. \u00a0My sadness didn\u2019t affect my feelings for my son,and I cared for him easily and found joy in doing so, but inside, my\u00a0heart was broken.<\/p>\n

After finding ICAN, I was comforted by the knowledge and strength of\u00a0its members, and gave my grief purpose by preparing for a future VBAC. \u00a0I\u2019m sure, to those who know and love me, I seemed obsessed, but\u00a0educating myself gave me something to focus upon in those early months\u00a0of sadness. \u00a0I befriended other cesarean mothers and joined a local\u00a0mom\u2019s club, swapping birth stories whenever the topic came up. \u00a0I was\u00a0surprised to discover that so many other new moms had experienced\u00a0similar circumstances, and there seemed to be too many traumatic birth\u00a0stories in our group. \u00a0I left my obstetrician\u2019s practice when she\u00a0didn\u2019t appear supportive of a VBAC, and began looking for a new\u00a0doctor. \u00a0I attended any VBAC webinar ICAN offered, cheered other moms\u00a0as they planned their VBACs, and dreamed of the day when I would have\u00a0mine.<\/p>\n

As the months went by, my grief lessened, as people said it would,\u00a0though I continued to focus on my VBAC plans extensively. \u00a0Nine months\u00a0after my first son was born, I became pregnant with my second child,\u00a0and though the timing was earlier than originally planned, my husband\u00a0and I were thrilled. \u00a0I should mention that I have scleroderma, a\u00a0connective tissue disease, and Grave\u2019s disease, an autoimmune disorder\u00a0that causes hyperthyroidism. \u00a0Though both issues are well controlled\u00a0and don\u2019t impact my daily life, they automatically make me high risk\u00a0during pregnancy, and because of this, I am not a good candidate for a\u00a0home birth.<\/p>\n

Still hoping for a VBAC, I found a local OB-midwife practice with a\u00a0great VBAC rate, and though I fought hard to avoid the high-risk\u00a0label, I did have to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy,\u00a0just as I did during my first. \u00a0At my 16-week ultrasound, our baby was\u00a0found to have several choroid plexus cysts, which by themselves are\u00a0benign, but coupled with a heart issue, can be indicative of Trisomy\u00a018. \u00a0My husband and I spent one anxious month waiting to find out if\u00a0our second child would be healthy, and during that time, I found a bit\u00a0of a new perspective, realizing I would gladly give up a chance at a\u00a0VBAC in an instant to protect my unborn child. \u00a0At my 20-week\u00a0ultrasound, the cysts had disappeared and we learned we were having a\u00a0second son.<\/p>\n

During my second pregnancy, I worked with my doula to prepare for a\u00a0VBAC, and she suggested also creating a c-section plan and then filing\u00a0it away in a drawer. \u00a0I did this, making a list of all the things I\u00a0didn\u2019t get to experience with my first cesarean. \u00a0Though I knew that\u00a0my chances of achieving a VBAC were high, I did realize that I might\u00a0still be faced with a c-section again. \u00a0I also knew that I didn\u2019t want\u00a0to put my baby or myself in any danger, especially because I had a\u00a0young son waiting for me at home. \u00a0I was his mother, first and\u00a0foremost, and I had to put his needs over my own desires. \u00a0I worried\u00a0about another marathon labor, and how that would impact my ability to\u00a0care for two babies. \u00a0One of my midwives actually eased my mind by\u00a0reminding me that I could stop at any time, meaning I had the right to\u00a0ask for a c-section if my labor went on too long, and by saying that,\u00a0she helped me see that I was in control, something I never felt during\u00a0my first son\u2019s birth.<\/p>\n

Because of my high-risk issues, my medical providers began advocating\u00a0for a 39-week induction, and my husband and I resisted this idea for\u00a0weeks and weeks. \u00a0Our son was healthy, according to weekly ultrasounds\u00a0in the third trimester, and I hoped to go into labor naturally, just\u00a0as I did during my first pregnancy. \u00a0Eventually, after much discussion\u00a0on both sides, we agreed to an induction the day before my due date. \u00a0I was already 4 centimeters dilated by that time, so breaking my water\u00a0was enough to get active labor started.<\/p>\n

This time, my labor was completely textbook, short, and beautiful. \u00a0I\u00a0welcomed my contractions, realized when I was in transition, and\u00a0pushed with all my might in different positions for two hours. \u00a0But my\u00a0son would just not descend, and I could feel this. \u00a0When my doctor\u00a0mentioned that things seemed to be heading in the same direction as\u00a0before, I agreed with her and realized that I was going to have a\u00a0CBAC. \u00a0I remember telling my husband, \u201cYou know what to do,\u201d as he was\u00a0handed scrubs and I was wheeled to the operating room. \u00a0My labor nurse\u00a0stayed with me as the spinal was placed, reassuring me, as I struggled\u00a0through contractions, that we were about to have a birthday and, \u201cnext\u00a0year, there will be cake.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a few moments, my doctor told my husband to stand up and allowed\u00a0him to film our son leaving my body, so I got to see it on video\u00a0later. \u00a0As she pulled him out, my doctor called our son by his name,\u00a0welcoming him into the world. \u00a0When he was weighed a few minutes\u00a0later, my husband announced his weight, and everyone in the operating\u00a0room broke into cheers and laughter. \u00a0My husband stood by my side for\u00a0a long time, holding our baby in his arms, and though he was not born\u00a0vaginally, I had tried my hardest, and it was a wonderful experience. \u00a0Our little family spent hours cuddling and nursing in recovery, and\u00a0the nurses gave us the privacy that we so desperately needed. Later,\u00a0my postpartum nurse, who was also pregnant, told me how sorry she was\u00a0that I didn\u2019t get my VBAC, and I reassured her that it had been an\u00a0amazing birth.<\/p>\n

I had some complications with my incision that caused more pain than I\u00a0experienced with my first cesarean, but this time, my heart was light\u00a0and free. \u00a0I had worked extremely hard and fought for the best birth\u00a0for my baby, however it turned out, and in the end, that was exactly\u00a0what I got. \u00a0I felt that rush of pure joy that mothers are supposed to\u00a0feel after birth, and I was Earth Mother, tandem nursing my newborn\u00a0and my toddler. \u00a0My precious second son, the icing on the cake and the\u00a0period at the end of our family\u2019s sentence, was finally here, healthy\u00a0and happy, and I was healed forever.<\/p>\n

Sure, I sometimes get a moment of doubt and wonder if things could\u00a0have been different, but it\u2019s not that painful ache that lasted for\u00a0months after my first son\u2019s birth. \u00a0I gave away my maternity clothes\u00a0once I stopped wearing them, shedding only a few tears, and as my\u00a0baby, who is now 13 months, ages out of his clothing and gear, I\u00a0joyfully donate things to friends and charities, looking forward to\u00a0the next stage in his life. \u00a0I congratulate my pregnant friends and\u00a0empathize with their discomforts, all the while knowing that I will\u00a0never again carry a child inside me. \u00a0My baby is a mama\u2019s boy, the\u00a0complete opposite of \u00a0my first son, and I revel in this, realizing\u00a0that I will never nurse another child after him. \u00a0I will never have a\u00a0vaginal birth, and that is okay, too. \u00a0It took me a long time to get\u00a0to that point, and to be able to say it without tears, but I am there\u00a0now. \u00a0I realize that my experience is simply that, my own, but I hope\u00a0it can be of some comfort to other CBAC moms. \u00a0I am looking forward to\u00a0life with two active boys, and I have no regrets.<\/p>\n

I never imagined, when this journey started, that it would begin and\u00a0end with a cesarean section, but that\u2019s how it turned out, and I am\u00a0stronger for it.<\/p>\n

A few sources that really helped me process my first c-section and my\u00a0CBAC include:<\/p>\n

ICAN\u2019s White Papers<\/p>\n

Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses by Claudia Panuthos\u00a0and Catherine Romeo, 1984<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving a Cesarean-in-Awareness\u201d by Virginia Bobro and Donna Moore<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.birthingfromwithin.com\/cesarean<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Reposted from posts on the ICAN Blog\u00a0here and here. Melek Speros When my CBAC birth story\u00a0was first published on the ICAN blog\u00a0a couple months after my baby\u2019s birth, one comment on it really stuck out to me. \u00a0It was from another CBAC mom who told me that my feelings about my CBAC would \u201c\u2026ebb and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"class_list":["post-45","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/45","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=45"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/45\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46,"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/45\/revisions\/46"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ican-online.org\/cbac\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=45"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}