Thank you so much Christie for sharing your story.

WARNING: TRIGGERS

I have told this story so many times that I find myself not realizing that I didnt start at the beginning. I know that everyone has things they deal with and cope in different ways, and let me say that for me it has taken alot for me to get to where I am in my life. I always wanted a big family as I come from a family of 6 kids. I was 22 years old, I had 2 daughters already when I found out I was pregnant. A 5 year old and a 1 year old. I was married to a difficult mamas boy that I loved with all my heart, despite his faults and lack of care when it came to my pregnancies although he was there when out daughter was born.

I was working full time at a hospital when I fainted and was sent to the ER department where they confirmed I was pregnant and sent me home for the night to rest, and I made a follow up with my doctor, a man that I absolutely loved. He delivered both of my girls so I did not hesitate to choose him again. When I went to this first appointment and had my first ultrasound I had no idea how much my life was about to change, or the long lasting effect it would have not only on me but also my daughters. My very first ultrasound at 6 weeks confirmed that we were having twins, fraternal in separate sacs and later discovered separate placentas. The first 8 weeks were uneventful. My doctor had me going to checkups every 2 weeks at this point due to preterm labor with both girls.

However at 9 weeks I found myself in the ER again with unexplained bleeding. I thought for sure I was going to lose them. When they couldn’t determine the cause of the bleeding my doctor put me on bed rest. A task in itself with my children at home. I would continue with bed rest until I delivered, as my bleeding never stopped. I had to have a potty chair in my room as our bathroom was on the 2nd floor and I would practically hemorrhage just going up to use the bathroom. I had someone with me at all times because I could not stand long enough to make a bowl of cereal let alone anything else. I would make 12 trips to the ER for different complications over the next 3 months, from the bleeding to contractions to micro tearing on my cervix.

At just under 5 months gestation I started having back pain, which from my second labor I attributed to back labor. So I did all the things they recommend this early, I took a warm bath, I took a nap, i put my feet up, I tried my best to relax. Nothing worked so my mother in law took me to labor and delivery where I was monitored for an hour and had s NST done. Babies were very active, heart rates were amazing, and no contractions. The doctor came in and explained to me that he thought I was just having braxton hicks and he was gonna send me home but with all the pains wanted to check my cervix first. My whole world was about to crash and I didn’t even know it yet. He checked me and I was dilated 1-2 cm. The hospital that I was accustomed to and the doctor that I loved and trusted were not able to handle 2 micro preemie babies and me so I was being transferred to a woman’s hospital an hour away via ambulance.

Before I even knew this was happening I was surrounded by 4 nurses another doctor, an anesthesiologist and a social worker. All of these people were in my room and I still did not know what was happening. As I began to panic they started to explain what was about to happen. I was given shots for the babies lungs, I was started on an IV of fluids, including antibiotics, magnesium, potassium and lord only knows what else. By the time I was in the ambulance and on my way to the other hospital my contractions were now starting about 10 minutes apart. I was fearing the worst as all these people were preparing to deliver my babies. I was in denial, begging to just go home as this would all go away. I got to the hospital where I was kept on magnesium for 24 hours. All the while they elevated my hips and legs, did not have cervical checks, but was monitored very closely while I was seeing things, feeling bugs crawling on me that were not there and felt like I was loosing my mind. I knew it was to soon to deliver and I refused to do that, so I did the only thing I knew how to do, I stayed in denial. After 24 hours I was taken off the magnesium and put on pills every 6 hours which I stayed on until the day I delivered. I spent almost 2 weeks in the hospital, away from my children, my husband would not come see me, (he felt he was doing his part by keeping the girls and calling me once a day). I felt totally alone even though I had other family come visit, the one person I needed had now deserted me at the worst possible time.

On December 1, 2001 I experienced the worst possible thing anyone could ever go through. At 7 am I was given my dose of meds, and I fell asleep. About 20 minutes later contractions started, so they put me on the monitor. at 7:30 am the nurse came back into my room and told me she needed to check my cervix because I had had 7 contractions. I was dilated 4 cm, so I had to be transferred back to labor and delivery and as they wheeled me down the hall they were talking about things like magnesium again, and stitching my cervix to keep them in longer. At 8 am The OR doctor came in and checked me again and I was already at 8 cm. It had been decided, I would be delivering as they could not stop the labor now. Now I had knows pretty much from about 3 months that a Cesarean section would be probable because baby B(Shawn) was breech and that is dangerous. So I signed the papers and that is what I thought was going to happen. They wheeled me to the OR and some doctor that I had never seen before came in, I was given an epidural, and prepped for delivery, and the doctor told me to prepare to push. I begged for the section because it was safer. She refused, saying that Shawn would turn as baby A(Alexander) was delivered. She was a doctor and although my gut said this is wrong I trusted her. I vaginally delivered Alexander and saw his tiny body and his weak cries as I felt the urge to push again. My precious Shawn was coming out BUTT FIRST. Yes Butt first. He got stuck in the birth canal butt first. The doctor proceeded to try to push him back up and turn him so that I could deliver. After approximately 20 minutes of this painful procedure, I felt excruciating pain, sat straight up and then became very light headed and almost passed out. The next thing I know a mask is over my face, and then nothing. I heard my sons cries as I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up back in my room I was surrounded by pretty much my entire family, full of sad faces.

The next 2 days are a blur. I remember being told they had both died. I remember people coming in and out of my room, talking to a social worker, and asking to see them because I didn’t believe anyone. How could my babies be dead, I heard cries. I felt them kicking hours earlier. I saw my precious baby before they whisk him away. It just couldn’t be true. But sure enough they brought in this bundled up package of no more than 3 pounds to my room. No cries, no breathing and no movement. Just 2 dead baby boys still covered in blood and nastiness. I spent the next 2 days talking to hospital staff, social workers, the morgue people, family and friends. I cried initially the first couple hours but as soon as I actually held them I went into what the social worker described as shock. I had absolutely no emotions. I bathed them, I dressed them, I held them and loved them. I hugged and kissed them. I had pictures taken along with foot prints, hand prints and blood work done to try to figure out what was wrong. They discovered a gulf ball sized blood clot in my placenta near the umbilical cord, which is what was causing all my trouble.

They ran blood work on my children to figure out what caused their deaths. Alexander(baby A) died of heart failure because the hospital was under staffed the day I delivered and only had one NICU team in the OR. When I crashed and the Emergency section was performed the entire team walked away from my son, when he became distressed they didn’t catch it in time and he died when he stopped breathing. Shawn(baby B) was considered stillborn because of lack of oxygen and blood flow when my placenta separated from my uterus. They also discovered that Shawn had a disease known as Progeria (an aging disease) for those that don’t know.He most likely would not have lived to see the age of 7.

On December 3rd the registrar came to help me fill out the birth certificate for Alexander and their death certificates. This is when I finally lost it, and broke down. I left the hospital that day, and hit rock bottom. The doctor gave me Zoloft which made me feel nothing. My husband blamed me. I blamed me. I blamed the world, and GOD and the doctors and everyone else. About 3 months later I started counselling which helped me immensely. It took me a very long time to realize and believe that I did everything I possibly could to prevent what happened to me. And although I have never forgotten what I went through, I have accepted it and moved on. I ultimately lost my marriage. But I am OK with that too, he blamed me and never really got over that thinking.

My doctor basically refused to deliver anymore babies for me, and spent 3 years pushing me into a tubal ligation saying it was best because I would not make it off the delivery table. I trusted him. I believed him. On August 4, 2004 I had my tubes banded. I was told they were cut tied and burned. I came to terms with never having another child. And was thankful for my 2 daughters who were growing up and so happy.

Then I met my husband who I have been with now for almost 6 years. 6 months after we met he deployed to Iraq with the US Army, and a week later I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I was told it was impossible. That December in 2008, 3 days before Christmas I miscarried and it all became real, all over again. I spent a week in the hospital from complications, had a D&E and was told it was impossible that it would happen again.

Now here we are in 2013 and I have had 3 more impossible miscarriages. Something is wrong with this picture. So my doctor orders a test called an HSG. They do it in radiology and they check your tube function. They discovered my right tube was partially opened and that is why I was getting pregnant. So I met with a fertility specialist and decided to have a reversal done, which I had done on June 21 this year. I also had a second D&E done due to a fibroid tumor, several polyps and retained products of conception from my last miscarriage. We are now currently TTC. And we are hoping for the best. I have been through more than anyone should have to go through, I have put my trust in doctors because they are supposed to know more than I do and have been let down to many times.

I want another baby ON MY TERMS, and will do what it takes for that to happen. Although I am scared out of my mind and have wanted to give up several times. No mother should have to bury their child, ever, especially for a doctors incompetence or because they feel they know more than what we as parents do.

Thank you for letting me share my story with all of you. This has made me a very strong person, and I am thankful for ladies like you who are willing to help me achieve my dream and goal of a VBAC.