I had a CBAC May 25, 2010 at 7am.
I have never written his birth story. I am sad, disappointed, let down, confused, bitter, angry- all of the above. I studied and changed doctors and read. I will never hold a baby in my arms directly after birth. I will never have that pure bliss that all women should feel. I feel like a failure.
This beautiful baby boy was a huge baby- 11 lbs and 8 oz. He came out and didn’t cry and had trouble breathing. He was stained with meconium and it was in his lungs. was it because I waited too long to try and have him vaginally? Was this MY fault?
I actually went into labor on my own the day of my scheduled c-section. I had a chance to VBAC. My husband was scared and I could tell. I had no support from anyone and the nurse wouldn’t help me with my decision. I was tired and beat and just decided to go through with the c-section. After I had the baby, I have heard ONE MILLION times- you must be so happy you decided to go through with the c section- because he was so huge.
!!! No. I am not.
But what was my alternative? If I had gone through labor would he have been worse off? How will I ever know? I will never know.
Recovery was easier the second time, but I also had a baby in the NICU that they wouldn’t LET me see until I was recovered. Ugh! I had them take all my tubes and IVs out. I took a shower and almost passed out. I saw my baby that night. I held him for the first time 2 days later.
If my first baby- if I had just waited- none of this would have happened.