HBAC | International Cesarean Awareness Network

Midwife Alliance of North America Names ICAN Chapter Leader the 2014 MANA Sapling Award Winner

October 6, 2014 by Samantha Wall

Gina Dacosta, winner of the 2014 MANA Sapling Award. — Gina Dacosta-Partera, winner of the 2014 MANA Sapling Award.

Gina Dacosta-Partera, chapter leader of ICAN Norte-Centro Puerto Rico, has been named the 2014 MANA Sapling Award winner by the Midwife Alliance of North America. She will be officially recognized at the annual convention which takes place this month in St. Louis, Missouri.

The MANA Sapling Award was created in order to honor new midwives who showed promise in the field of midwifery as well as generosity, leadership, and initiative in the field. Hailing from the city of Morovis, Puerto Rico, Gina found ICAN two years ago when she was invited to a meeting as a midwife who assisted mothers seeking a homebirth after cesarean. After recognizing a need to expand the reach of ICAN into other surrounding areas, Gina decided to become a volunteer for ICAN and ICAN Norte-Centro Puerto Rico was born.

Gina Dacosta checks a newly born infant. — Gina Dacosta-Partera checks a newly born infant.

When asked how being an ICAN chapter leader has influenced her work as a midwife, she says, “As an ICAN leader it is amazing that I get to educate women and families about birth choices in terms of VBAC and preventing unnecessary cesareans. I have seen an improvement in outcomes. I have also seen a change in women’s attitudes toward their prenatal care, who to choose as a provider, etc. I am very happy that I get to reach, support, and educate many women during their processes of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. This is very fulfilling! I wish we could reach more women, but little by little we are experiencing positives changes!”

Congratulations on your award and thank you for all that you do to help fulfill the mission of ICAN!

Dacosta welcomes a new baby into the world. — Dacosta-Partera welcomes a new baby into the world.

CAM Birth Story: Sarah's HBA4C – "An Incredible Feat!"

April 30, 2011 by blog 7 Comments

This birth story, in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM), comes from Sarah Fuerstenau. To have your story posted on this blog, email it to blog@ican-online.org.

hba4c My birthing story begins back in 2005 when I had our first child. I had prepared myself for a natural, drug-free vaginal birth but I ended up with an emergency C-section. I was already 2 cm dilated when my labor started at 1 in the morning. My contractions were very intense from the get-go, and just 5 hours into it I felt the need to push. When we arrived at the hospital at 5:30, I was 8 cm and my water broke. Immediately I started pushing, but the nurse who was checking me didn’t see any progress, and after just an hour of pushing, the doctor wanted to do a C-section. Being a first time parent and an emotional wreck, I consented, and at around 7:30 my baby boy was born. I was very thankful for a healthy baby and concluded that modern medicine had saved us both.

I had a very hard time accepting my birth experience, but when I became pregnant with our second child just ten months later, I was told I would have to have another cesarean. I didn’t know I had any other options, so I once again consented. I hadn’t heard of VBAC before, and the hospital we went to didn’t allow them anyway. Naively trusting my doctor to know better than me, I concluded that I’d always have to have my babies this way. Thus, my next two children, born in 2008 and 2009, were also born by C-section, but we started questioning how safe it really was and really started desiring to have a baby naturally. In 2010 I met a woman who was going to have a VBAC with a midwife from out-of-state, since midwifery was illegal in Iowa. This sparked my interest because my husband and I wanted to have more children, but we were afraid of the dangers involved with major surgery. Much more, we just felt that we couldn’t keep having babies this way. It cost a lot of money and it just didn’t seem right.

Well, we moved to a different state during the summer and we were glad to discover that midwifery was legally practiced in the state of Idaho. Lo and behold, the month after we moved I found out I was pregnant again! We concluded that midwifery care was the way to go, but were thoroughly disappointed when we found out that Idaho licensed midwives were not allowed to catch babies for women who have had more than one C-section. My midwife, however, was determined to help me find a way and we continued to see her for prenatals.

Throughout my whole pregnancy I prayed about the situation, and both my husband and I felt at peace with our decision to do a HBA4C. I did a ton of research on the topic, so I knew I had a good chance for a successful birth. The problem was finding a provider who would assist me. I tried the local hospitals, the not-so-local hospitals, an unlicensed midwife, and traveling midwives, but to no avail. Thankfully God’s blessing was upon us and he provided an out-of-state MW who was very much willing to help us. She lived 4 hours away, so there was some logistics to work out, but the first time I met her, I knew she was our answer to prayer. She had just assisted another woman who was a VBA3C and was familiar with the danger signs. We all agreed that we should be closer to the hospital (we live in a rural area), so once labor was going good, we’d drive to town and rent a room at a hotel that was a few blocks from the hospital. So, with our plan in place, all we had to do was wait.

And wait we did! I was due the 15th of March, but my labor didn’t begin until more than a week later. On March 24th I awoke at 12:30 a.m. to waves of nausea, and after walking around the living room for half an hour, I called my midwife, PJ, and told her what was going on. She thought this possibly was the onset of labor, but we both decided to go to bed, get some rest, and see what things were like in the morning. I was able to go back to sleep, and when I awoke at 7:30 I was still having contractions, although thankfully they weren’t making me nauseous anymore! I called PJ to give her an update and she decided she’d head down. When she arrived in the afternoon, my contractions were still mild and about 8 to 10 minutes apart. We went for a couple walks, and that helped things along. Now they were 5 minutes apart, and I had to stop to breathe through them!

My husband got home around six, we had supper, put the kids to bed, said goodbye to my mother who had come to help out, and headed for the hotel. It was 9:30pm before the birth pool was set up, but it was worth the wait. The water felt so soothing, and after a minor lapse in contractions, they picked right up again and I felt like pushing a bit. I did this for a couple of hours, but felt I wasn’t getting anywhere. It was really late, and when PJ and the assistant saw that my progression was really slow, they suspected the culprit was a stubborn cervical lip. We opted to rest for the remainder of the night rather than keep pushing and possibly irritate and inflame my cervix, but trying to sleep through the type of contractions I was having was a challenge to say the least!

I don’t know how everyone was able to sleep through my moaning, but they did, and fortunately I was able to doze in between contractions! By 6a.m. I was ready to start again, so they emptied the pool, filled it up again, and I was in by 7:30. It didn’t seem like the baby was moving down, so we tried all kinds of positions, and I ended up laying on the bed sideways with one leg braced against my husband for pushing. PJ and the assistant took turns keeping the cervical lip out of the way. It was a bit frustrating because even though the lip was soft and pliable, it would come down with the baby’s head, not allowing him to move down, but when they used their fingers to keep it up, their fingers kept the baby’s head from coming down too!

We kept at it though, and eventually the baby’s head made its way down and was crowning. At that point, I moved to the end of the bed, and after a couple of pushes I felt like I had the biggest poop ever! Oh my! What pain and subsequent relief I had! His head was out and after a couple more little pushes, he came slipping out! I did it! I couldn’t believe it! After a total of 38 hours of labor, 6 of which were actively pushing, I delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy!

I was totally exhausted, as anyone can imagine, and I did lose quite a bit of blood, but my recovery went very well. Russell was a trooper through the whole labor, keeping his heart tones steady the whole time. He also took to breastfeeding very well, and I was so happy to be able to cuddle with him right after he was born. My contractions had stayed 5 minutes apart the whole time, but it was just what my body needed to recover from each one. There also were a couple of times when I felt like giving up, but then I would make some progress, and that kept me motivated. I really contribute my successful delivery to God because I never would have made it had he not given me the strength and endurance. I am so grateful he gave me the opportunity to experience the wonder and excitement of a natural birth.

My two labors were so very different, and I wonder how things would have gone had I been with a midwife or had a doula the first time around. I found out through my medical records that my first child was posterior, hence the short contractions and “back” labor. I’m sure his head was having a hard time getting past my pelvic bone and cervix too. It probably would have been remedied by position changes and a little bit of patience, but the doctor and hospital staff weren’t up for the challenge. Needless to say, the doctor concluded that my pelvis was just too small to birth a baby and diagnosed me with CPD. Boy do I have news for her!

My first was 8lbs 14oz with a 14.5” head circumference. Russell was 9lbs 2oz with a 15” head! I’ve always known that my body was capable of birthing, and it upsets me to think that I was led to believe otherwise. I plan on sharing my story with the doctors and hospitals who told me it couldn’t be done, and hopefully I will encourage them to question their policies and way of thinking. I also hope to start an ICAN chapter in my area in the near future, but for now I’m just praising my God for making my dream come true and enjoying the precious jewel he has given me.

CAM Birth Stories: Elayne's "Wide Range of Births"

April 29, 2011 by blog Leave a Comment

These birth stories, in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM), come from Elayne Glantzberg. To have your story posted on this blog, email it to blog@ican-online.org.

Elayne sends along her four very different birth stories, all previously published on her family’s blog. Below are excerpts with links to the full stories.

Cesarean with 26-week triplets: “I didn’t even notice when they first got started; I asked my doctor what was happening and he said they were already cutting. It took them a while to get to my uterus, but when they did, everything happened at once.

The nurse behind me said they were at the babies, and just a few seconds later they had Brenden out. He cried really good. They rushed him out of the room pretty fast, and I didn’t get to see him; Brian’s head was in the way as the doctor was carrying him out. No sooner was Brenden out of the room then they had Tamara out. Her they brought by for me to see and touch before she left the room. The same with Caitlin. She was still bent in half with her feet up by her head when I saw her! So Brenden and Tamara were born at 12:09 and Caitlin was at 12:10.” Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

HBAC turned CBAC: “We transported to the hospital. I rode in my mother’s car; I don’t know how everybody else got there. I certainly had the urge to push now, with every contraction, but the fear had kicked back in. I was no longer high on labor, I was scared to death because I was heading for another c-section, and the fear turned everything into pain, nothing but pain. That car ride was hell. Then we got to the hospital, and I was being admitted while my body was trying to push with contractions, I was exhausted to the point of collapse, I couldn’t see straight because my eyes were so swollen…and they wanted me to sign papers!!! I don’t know why, because if I changed my mind later I could just say they were signed under duress. My signature wasn’t even legible! I started out in a little back room because L&D was full.” Read the full story here.

VBA2C in a birth center: “It took me a long time to really process my second c-section. At first, I was totally okay with it, because when the call was made I was at the end of my rope and there was no other option. But when I broached the subject of another baby with my OB, and he said it would be an automatic c-section, I started thinking hard. I realized all the ways that my second birth could have gone differently, and I was determined to make it happen this time.” Read the full story here.

HBA2C: “After about 30 minutes or so of active pushing, Kender crowned, and then his head was born. Unlike with Jarod, where my hands were busy holding me up, the bouyancy of the hot tub gave me more freedom of movement, and I was able to reach down and feel Kender’s head coming out, and feel his face and his ears after his head was out. Once his head was out and he was rotating for the final bit, he started wiggling. I could actually feel him kicking and wriggling inside my vagina, pushing to get the rest of the way out! I had to push really, really hard to get his shoulders out, but once they emerged, the rest was easy and out he came.” Read the full story here.

CAM Birth Story: Brandy's HBA2C

April 28, 2011 by blog Leave a Comment

This birth story, in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM), comes from Brandy Pankau. To have your story posted on this blog, email it to blog@ican-online.org.

Well I am not even sure where to begin! I guess I will start with my first birth with my oldest son. It is September of 2004 and I am only 24 years old and 9 months pregnant. What did I know about birth? Well not much. I went to a few classes but still did not know what I would experience. I was told that it would be painful, so at that point I knew I would want drugs. Well at 36 weeks, my little boy was breech. He was literally laying sideways in my belly, so transverse breech. We decided to try a version. This involved having an epidural so it wouldn’t be as painful. Well after being poked 12 times (literally) and passing out once from them hitting a nerve, the epidural was finally in. Crazy thing is, after all this, my son flipped into the head down position and my mucous plug came out. The nurses were telling me I would be in by the weekend.

Well two days later I was having sharp pain on the top of my belly. More like I was being stabbed. I called the nurse and asked if I should be concern. This was my first child and I had no idea what to expect. She told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. I was a little reluctant as I just hit 37 weeks and I had an appointment the next day. But I gave in and went. I called my husband to tell him that I would be at the hospital and to not worry or come home from work. I was just being checked out and would be home soon. Well 4 hours later, I still had not seen the doctor and my husband not listening to me as usual showed up. Probably a few minutes later, the doc came in. I was staying. The monitors were showing some activity of contractions. I said this was normal as I had felt these mini ones for several weeks. Just lots of braxton hicks as I said. Nope I was staying. I didn’t even have my bag packed. I didn’t even know what I wanted in my bag yet.

I was set up in a room to start laboring and had my water broken to get things going. I was 3cm dilated when I first got to the hospital, but breaking my water would progress things. Then I was told that I could get my epidural if I wanted one since the guy was on the floor and it wasn’t a guarantee that he would make it back up in time when I decided I was ready for it. I was a little reluctant after what happened two days before, but decided that I wanted one so I better get it now. Well it slowed everything down and so I needed pitocin to get things going again. 12 hours later it was time to start pushing. I was told that they would give me 3 hours and then it was time for a C-section. Of course being doped up on drugs, I couldn’t feel a thing. I am not even sure I was pushing right or pushing at all. After 2 hours, my son’s heart started to decel. He wasn’t cooperating. We tried a few positions to no avail. It was time now to get him out. I was wheeled to the OR and within minutes my son was born. After he was checked out, my husband and son left me to be sewn up as if I was a doll who lost her stuffing. 30 minutes later I got to hold my son. He was already fed a bottle so no breastfeeding for him. I tried to nurse after we got home but it only lasted about 2 months.

So three years later in September 2007 I am 9 months pregnant again. Another boy on the way. I had done some research this time and decided that I would have a VBAC. I knew I could do this. My doctors agreed, but would only let me go to my due date. No problem I thought. My first son was 3 weeks early. Plus my husband was due to leave on my due date, so my son had to come early so his daddy could see him. Just in case, we did schedule a C-Section at 39 weeks so that my husband could have a week with our new son before he left on a TDY. I hit 37 weeks, then 38. I was getting anxious and wanted to get things started. My OB said I could not be induced since I had a C-Section. So we tried everything possible that I could do naturally. I was on the internet everyday looking up and trying new things. We made several trips to the hospital thinking things were starting. Finally the C-Section date hit and I went ahead and had a repeat. The OR on L&D was being repainted so I had to go to the regular OR. This was several floors below L&D. After my son was born, my hubby and son left me again to be restuffed. Sigh. Why didn’t I just wait. At least I get to hold him soon. No, not the case. 2 hours! 2 freaking long hours before I got to hold my son. I had to convince the nurse to let me go back to my floor. No nursing right away with him either. At least this time nursing lasted 10 months. I am determined to hold a child right away. Do we try for a third? My OB tells me, from now on I can only have C-Sections. It can’t be true. Can it?

Fast forward another 3 years. This time February 2011, I am 9 months pregnant. This time I am going to have a homebirth and will have my child naturally. The big question I keep getting is why did I want to have a homebirth? To be honest in the beginning I did not necessarily want a homebirth, I just wanted a VBAC. There was no way I was going to be cut open again. I did not want the recovery of a C-Section and more importantly I did not want to wait one to two hours to be able to hold my little girl. I wanted to be able to hold her right away and nurse her and with a C-Section there was no way I would be able to do that. Finding an OB who would allow you VBAC after 2 Sections was nearly impossible. I found a midwife who would allow me to try for the VBAC. After talking with her several times, my only reservation of course was the word “natural.” That means no pain meds. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for such a big leap, but I knew I did not want to be cut. After finding out we were pregnant, my midwife was amazing. Every appointment, every phone call, she was always very supportive.

For several weeks prior to her birth, I had contractions. This seemed like my normal way of things progressing as with my other two children. These were changing from the Braxton Hicks I was having and we all really thought she was going to come earlier than expected. I would have days of a few hours to even 12 hours of contractions but with no full on labor. Such a tease. I even kept saying she was just teasing us. Several people including my midwife would tell me that I would have a easy labor with all the “practice” I was having.

Tuesday, 8 Feb, I went in and saw my midwife. I was only 39 weeks, but we knew Trevor was going to be leaving soon to start a new job so we had my midwife stir things up a bit. She went ahead and stripped my membranes to see if we could get the contractions to stay. Of course no such luck for me. I also went to my chiropractor to have an adjustment and to help make sure our baby girl was in a good position. After all day of contractions, they stopped yet again. I have been very frustrated with this since this of course was not the first time. I just wanted either labor to start or no contractions until it was time. Now the contractions were not bad. I still functioned with them and played with the boys and went about my normal activities, I just wanted them to progress or just stop. I would just get too excited when I thought things were finally starting to happen. And believe me we tried everything to induce naturally at home on our own. All the wives tales and more. Of course nothing.

Wednesday, 9 Feb, I wake up to nothing of course, and my midwife was checking on us and asked if we wanted to see her again. Trevor jumped at the chance. So we went and saw her again to have her stir things up again. After we saw her we even went to a local Thai restaurant where I asked for my food to be Thai hot, hoping this would help things along as well. When we got home, I decided to take a nap. More to pass time and I was a little tired since I have not been sleeping the greatest with a beach ball in my belly 🙂 When I woke up from my nap around 2:00 pm, I thought things were starting to stop yet again, so I asked Trevor to help me encourage things along. I walked around the room, sat on the exercise ball, practiced squatting with the contractions. All hoping this would start creating more and not stop.

We started talking about how do we know when to call our midwife. She always told us when we needed her, but with all my “false” starts I wasn’t sure I would know when that was. I didn’t want to call her and then she have to leave cause things stopped or did not progress just yet. Of course I did not want to wait too long either thinking that I might not be able to handle anything. About 3:15 I had a few that brought me to tears. It was more that I was squatting with them again and that it just felt pressure/pain in my pelvis that it caught me off guard. I decided not to squat with them anymore. I decided to go to the bathroom and when I came out Trevor was busy texting our midwife. I got mad at him cause of course I was not thinking labor was starting. I just thought it was my positioning. He asked her to come over just to assess me. 3:30pm her and her team was there. I tried to joke with her that it was probably a waste of their time and of course everything would stop in a few hours like always. I had told Trevor that we probably should wait til my water broke to have called. (not a good idea at all, you will see why soon). My midwife watched me with a few of my contractions and I guess pretty much knew to stay.

Derek, my oldest, came home from school shortly after that and I was allowed into the birth tub, so the boys rubbed my belly and my back while I was in the tub. Of course they wanted to get in too, but we said no. I stayed in there for about an hour. The contractions were not too bad, but I was told i had to move a bit so I was out and walked around the room a bit and did try some squatted positions. I did not like these that much. I really liked just leaning over the couch the best. They did not seem all that bad in this position. Trevor was a huge help. My contractions were not super consistent. Sometimes I would have two on top of each other and other times it seemed like I had a good 10 minute break. I am sure it was never that long, but that is what it felt like. The boys went to McDonalds, while I labored more at home. The next hour or so did seem to go by somewhat fast. Trevor had predicted earlier I would have the baby by 8pm and we had all laughed and easily said this could go to the morning. I was on the couch by 5 or 5:30 when my midwife decided to check me. I of course said it would be a waste of time cause I was probably only 6 cm dilated and that everything would stop by 10pm. She did it any way and I was 8-9 cm! I told her to stop lying to me cause there was no way I went from being 3-4cm for several days and even that morning to 8-9 cm in about 3-4 hours. She assured me she was not lying and that I would have the baby soon.

My water still has not broken at this point. She made me get off the couch and try some squatted positions with the contractions and I tried, but wanted to be back in the tub. So that is where I went. 6:30pm my boys came home from their dinner and went up to have their nightly bath. I was enjoying the tub as much as I could at this point, but when I had a contraction I was told to bear down which definitely burned. My water still has not broken and it is time for me to push. We were thinking she was going to be born still in her sac, but alas it finally broke in the tub. That was a very weird feeling. I am not even sure I can describe it. It did not hurt, but I thought it was her head. Of course I was severely disappointed when they said it was my water. The burning was from my sac stretching everything. Now more burning was happening, but her heart rate started not to be too good, so they told me I had to get out of the tub. I argued. I did not want to leave the tub. I didn’t want to move. I was forced. Trevor, our midwife, and birth assistants basically pulled me out. I screamed of course, one cause I really did not want out, but two because trying to get out over the tub was the most excruciating pain I had ever been in. Now the tub was in our kitchen so I crawled a few spaces on the floor then basically rolled over on the kitchen floor and wasn’t moving. My midwife kept yelling at me to get her out in the next few contractions. She even threatened an episiotomy which I said I didn’t care. She of course became mad at me for that too cause I was supposed to care. At this point I had screamed to just do whatever to get her out. Cut, pull, whatever. I just wanted her out at this point. I was obviously ready and just said anything. I did not really want to be cut. I wanted her out so much that I apparently was very entertaining to everyone. I was singing on the contractions for her to come out. I am not sure of everything I was saying, but I do know my midwife kept telling me to have deep sounds and not high pitched. I felt that I couldn’t do that until the end and so I would sing deeply to get out, come out, etc. Apparently this was funny which I do not mind. You do what you need to. So 11 minutes from my water breaking to all this, she was finally out. I had indeed pushed her out. There was pain, but the feeling of her head and body was not painful at all, it was just different. The pain was in the beginning before she came out, I guess just stretching everything. I got to hold her immediately which is exactly what I wanted to do.

I was so exhausted that I knew I was holding her and looking at her, but I felt like I wanted to sleep. Here it is only 6:58pm. It was only 4-5 hours long! I could not believe it. I was for sure thinking it would go on all night. She did require extra care since she came so fast. She did not get squeezed in my pelvis much and had a lot of fluid and all in her lungs. She was suctioned twice and given oxygen. I did get to hold her for some of this but they did take her off my belly to take care of her more, but she came right back to me. The boys came down after their bath and helped daddy cut the umbilical cord. They were so in awe of her. Even today all they want to do is hold her and kiss her. Austin is always checking on her or wanting to know where she is. By 9:30 pm the boys were in bed sleeping and the rest of us were just enjoying our newest bundle of joy: Peyton Lorelai. She was 6 lbs 12 ozs and 19 inches long. I think we went to bed around midnight or so after we made several phone calls and even skyped with a few family members to show her off.

Would I do it again? Absolutely! There is nothing like already being home and going about our day. I am not hooked up to IV’s and do not have a nurse coming in every so many hours waking me up to check vitals. Although Trevor was in charge of doing that for the first 24 hours, but it is much different having him do that instead of in a hospital with nursing staff. Especially when you have a different one each day and night. You get to eat real food instead of yucky hospital food and are not restricted on what you can eat. I get to be with my whole family instead of being away from everyone. The experience was 10 times better than I ever expected. Even if I was entertaining for the Trevor and the birthing staff in our home. So going from two hospital births with C-Sections to an all natural birth on my kitchen floor, I would say I was indeed a success. If I can do this, then anyone can do it, cause those who know me, know that when it comes to pain, I am the biggest baby ever! And now I have a beautiful baby girl with a perfect little head, smile, eyes, etc. She is just so perfect, that I would do it all again.

CAM Birth Stories: From Cesarean to Empowering CBAC

April 28, 2011 by blog 6 Comments

This birth story, in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM), comes from Jordan Bucher. Jordan says, “I wanted to send the story of my cesarean and my attempted HBAC (that turned out to be an incredibly empowering CBAC) for Cesarean Awareness Month. I hope other ICAN blog readers can find some inspiration from my experiences, just as I have from theirs!” To have your story posted on this blog, email it to blog@ican-online.org.

It’s spring again. And here I am: in the middle of yet another rebirth. This time last year I was pregnant, swelling with hopes of an HBAC. I was still on the side of unknowing. I said goodbye to that self towards the end of last September, in the middle of an oddly chilly night, in the coldest room in the hospital, the OR. It was not how I imagined it would look, and yet…

Henry’s birth

Of course, to understand the second birth, it is important to look at the one before. My older son Henry’s pregnancy was easy, free of complications. When I hit 40 weeks I was suddenly on the defensive, refusing an induction every 3 days. At 41.4 days my OB ordered an ultrasound; it looked normal. Then came the non-stress test, which was a complete joke, though we didn’t know it at the time. That was my OB’s calling card. Her pace pale and drawn, she told us we had 2 hours to get to the hospital. This baby was clearly in distress, she said, his heart rate was too high (nevermind the Dublin Dr. Pepper and 3 mini chocolate bars the nurse told me to drink beforehand) and it was time to get him out.

From that moment forward, I could not catch my breath. I felt like I was hovering over my body, watching the whole thing go down. We went home and ate our last supper (pizza), gathered our bags and left for the hospital, never once wondering what would happen if we just didn’t show up. Once we got there they dressed me in the old prisoner’s gown, gave me some crappy IV, hooked me up to the monitor and administered the first cytotec vaginally. When I questioned my OB about cytotec earlier that week, she said, yes, there were some disastrous outcomes associated with the drug, but those were with VBAC moms which I was not and this was our only chance to actually get my cervix to dilate any further. The other prostaglandins simply were not effective, she said.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. The nurse gave me some ambien. It didn’t work. My contractions kicked in somewhere around 1 or 2 in the morning and I watched them all night long on the monitor. Pretty soon it was 5am and I could hear my OB talking to the nurse outside my room. They were supposed to give me a third cytotec but there was some kind of scuffle going on. I couldn’t make out any words. My OB breezed in the room. We needed to get this baby out, she said again, and we needed to turn on the pitocin immediately. She examined me; I was dilated to a 2. Then, without asking, she broke my water. I was stunned. There was meconium everywhere. I was very worried at that point. To this day, I don’t think there would’ve been meconium if there had not been cytotec.

What happened next is textbook. I was too scared to labor in that environment. The pitocin didn’t work. I needed an epidural. The decels on the monitor. I needed oxygen. I needed a drink of water badly, but I couldn’t have that. I begged my doctor to make it end, cut me open.

Henry was born at 2:59pm. I was sewed up before 4 and I bet my doctor was on the road by 5. (She had mentioned she was attending parents’ weekend at her daughter’s college, also her alma mater.) The recovery was brutal. I was drugged beyond comprehension. I had panic attacks before I even left the hospital. What followed was 18 months of intense PPD/PPA/PTSD. But, I got through it and it made me who I am today. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Arlo’s birth

Here is the letter I wrote to my second son, a few days after we got home from the hospital:

My dear Arlo,

I want to get your birth story written while it’s still fresh and raw. I’m sure, as with your brother’s, that it will go through several revisions as I process everything that went down, but here’s what I have for now.

My due date was September 18. Though I went 2 weeks late with Henry and told myself this whole pregnancy I’d be completely fine with going over this time, I wasn’t. I was ready to birth you! I had my last prenatal with our midwife, GB, on Thursday, September 23. She did some Mayan abdominal massage and craniosacral therapy on me, and she said you’d dropped lower into my pelvis. I was hopeful. Afterward I felt a sudden urgency to make dates. Henry and I went on a special date on Friday. I got a sitter for Saturday night so I could go on a date with your father. I could feel your arrival was imminent.

On Saturday morning Henry and I walked a 4-mile loop around the lake. We saw the same people we saw almost every other morning on the lake. One of them asked when I was going to have my baby, and I replied, “soon.” After our walk we went to the food co-op and stocked up on a bunch of groceries. That afternoon I felt really sleepy and took a deep one-hour nap while your dad and Henry played with the dogs out front. Then our sitter came and your dad and I left for our date.

All I wanted to do was walk. I should’ve known something was up! I also had a mad craving for pizza. I didn’t want to wait for a table. I just wanted to eat quick at the counter, people watch, and then walk some more. Your father and I had a really sweet time—it was reminiscent of some of our very first dates. After pizza we went to the candy store and messed around in a bunch of other shops. We were home by 9. I quickly checked my email and then I took my computer to bed so I could watch the new episode of Project Runway on Hulu.

That was when I started noticing my contractions. I tried not to get too excited—I’d had 4 other trial runs of regular contractions for a couple of hours only to have them stop. We timed them and they were mostly 10 minutes apart, sometimes 8, sometimes 12. They started in my lower back, wrapped to my front and then went down deep into my cervix, but still, I wasn’t sure this was actually it. They were still coming when the show was over. I told your dad we’d have to try to get some rest if this was the real thing. We could call our friend in the morning to get Henry and then we’d go for a long walk to really get things moving.

So your dad went off to Henry’s bed and I continued to lie there in the dark. I dozed off a bit but when I woke I was still having contractions, and now they were 3-5 minutes apart. I decided I’d wake your dad to call GB and Amy, our doula, once they were that close for an hour. I got up to go to the bathroom, probably around 1 or so, and my water broke. It was brown. I ran into Henry’s room and woke your father, telling him to call GB right away, my water broke and there was meconium.

While your dad ran to grab the phone I felt another urge to go to the bathroom. Then, the oddest sensation. I looked down at about 10-12 inches of grayish, whitish matter hanging from between my legs. I panicked for a second, fearing a cord prolapse. But in the next quick moment I realized the birth was completely out of our hands and if I let myself leave my body like I did with Henry, I would be completely traumatized. I made a pact with myself right then and there to stay calm, stay with my breath, and accept whatever was happening. If, no matter what, I could stay present in my body, I would be OK. I visualized the lotus drawing I made in our Birthing from Within class about what to do when birth takes an unexpected turn.

GB was on her way, but we knew that would be another hour because of how far away she lives. Brielle, our other midwife, would be there in 20 minutes. GB told your father to call EMS to come listen to your heartbeat and then to email her a picture of what was hanging between my legs. She asked him if it was pulsing and he said no. I’ve never seen your father’s hand shake like it did when he emailed that picture. GB called right back and said it wasn’t the cord, it was the bag of waters. She told me to get in bed and put my butt in the air. I labored like that for about 10 minutes and EMS arrived. They listened to your heartbeat and it was great, about 130 beats per minute. Everything was fine, we refused medical treatment and told them to leave once Brielle arrived.

At some point during this time our friend came to get Henry but my bedroom door was closed so I was completely oblivious. When your dad called our doula Amy, she said she was at another birth but her backup was on her way. Meanwhile, Brielle came in the room very quietly and confirmed that it was indeed the bag of waters hanging from my body. Still, it was very strange, no one had ever seen anything like it before. Now I see it was almost like a divine foreshadowing. It certainly had prolapse on everyone’s mind. Brielle checked me and I told her not to tell me how far I was dilated. I flipped back over with my butt in the air—it felt really good to labor that way. She listened to your heartbeat and, again, about 130 bpm.

Later GB arrived and I felt I could really get down to business. GB and Brielle have the most calming, reassuring presence. GB was concerned about the meconium but we were keeping a close eye on it and since I was a VBAC I’d be monitored every 10-15 minutes anyway. Your father went to go fill up the birth tub in the dining room. I decided it was time to unleash my squatting power. As I rose from the bed, a huge gush of meconium spilled out of me and it was suddenly much darker. GB put the monitor to my belly and that’s when we heard it: your heartbeat slowed dramatically, down to 40 bpm. GB threw me on the bed, to my left side, my right side, my butt back up in the air. Your heartbeat picked up well after the contraction had passed and only when I had my butt in the air. GB called your dad into the room and told him to call EMS. There was a problem with the cord and it was most likely a prolapse. I’d have to have an emergency cesarean. There was no time to lose.

GB told me to tell you to stay inside, to tell my body to stop contracting. I tried but the contractions were only coming stronger. Still I stayed calm, breathed in, breathed out. GB had her fingers inside me, pushing against your head to keep you off the cord. EMS arrived. There was a commotion. They wouldn’t let GB hold her fingers inside me. She was going to have to sit in a seat belt. They wanted to strap me to a stretcher flat on my back. GB explained that her fingers and my butt in the air were the only things keeping you alive. I screamed at them and fought the straps. I had to be on my back but I pushed my butt in the air with my legs. Once we got into the ambulance, GB found a blanket and propped it under my butt. The bitchy EMS woman kept telling GB that I was her patient now and she demanded what kind of training she had. I screamed again that GB had been delivering babies for 30 years and she’d better follow her instructions. This fracas seemed to last forever. The whole time we were just parked in the driveway, not going anywhere. Your dad and Brielle were waiting to follow us in another car.

Finally the ambulance started moving. The woman put her fingers in me and her touch was so much rougher than GB’s. She couldn’t tell when I was contracting. She kept asking me but by this point I could no longer speak. I could hear GB telling her when I was contracting, when to push up on your head. Though the hospital is only 5 minutes away, the drive seemed to last an eternity. When we got there we realized the EMS clowns had not called ahead. The OR was not prepped and they started wheeling me into labor & delivery. Despite all of this, I stayed calm, stayed with my breath. I could hear GB telling them this was a life and death situation, I needed a c-section immediately. There was a lot of screaming. Nurses and doctors were running everywhere. One nurse screamed at GB and Brielle for letting me VBAC at home. Someone checked me and said I was dilated to a 6. Later I found out that I had gone from a 2 to a 6 in a matter of minutes. If this had not been an emergency situation, GB said I would’ve pushed you right out no problem.

We got word the OR was prepped. GB, Brielle, and your father had to stay outside. Your father gave me 2 squirts of Rescue Remedy and waved a cloth dabbed in lavender essential oil under my nose. It was such a touching, centering gesture. I knew in that moment we’d all be OK. I was very calm as they prepped me. I remember them shaving me, I remember the gush of cold iodine on my belly. The OR was bright, cold. I told everyone to take good care of you when you were born, and a nurse squeezed my hand and promised they would. The contractions were coming stronger and I held my butt in the air as long as I could. Then the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face and told me when I woke up I’d be able to see my baby.

I woke up a couple of hours later in recovery. I was shaking but still calm, still with my breath. I wanted to see you so bad, but you were in NICU. They told me you were going to be OK. I always thought I’d die if I couldn’t see my baby right after birth, but in this case, it was a blessing. Here’s what I didn’t have to see: you emerging from my womb limp and gray. You had an Apgar score of 3. I didn’t have to see the head NICU doctor call to another hospital about a transfer because they had the only life support machine that would be appropriate for your condition. Some kind of spirit took hold of you and within 5 minutes they decided to keep you at the NAMC NICU. I am forever grateful for that.

The nurses at NAMC were excellent at managing my pain, so different from my experience at Seton with your brother. They allowed GB into the recovery room and she did craniosacral therapy right away. Her loving touch on my feet, my head, my sacrum, my abdomen was so centering. I also knew that I would not be able to see you until I was able to lift myself out of bed and into a wheelchair. With Henry this simple movement took me 2 days. With you, I was out of bed in 6 hours. Our first meeting was in the NICU. You were hooked up to a million machines. There were cords and wires everywhere. There was talk of possible brain damage, lung damage, many more tests to be performed. I was not allowed to hold you or bring you to my breast. You would not be able to ingest anything other than IV fluids for days, someone said maybe even longer.

But, like I said, you have some kind of spirit, Arlo. You turned around faster than any of the doctors or nurses predicted. Everyone called you a miracle baby. I pumped like crazy and I brought you to my breast on the third day. From the first latch you were perfect. Tests started to come back and the results were not as bad as feared. Your lungs took the longest to recover. I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday and allowed to room in until Friday when your lungs looked good enough to discharge you from NICU.

Now we’re all home and having the babymoon we always wanted. I hold you 24/7. You hate your cosleeper and prefer to be snuggled in bed with me. You nurse all throughout the night and fall right back to sleep. We’re making up for lost time. There are times I fall into the what-ifs: What if we hadn’t planned a homebirth and our midwives were not right there with us? GB saved your life. If I’d planned a hospital birth, we’d have stayed at home and not called anyone until the last possible moment. I wouldn’t have known to elevate my hips to keep you off the cord. That would’ve been too late. But I can’t go there for long. Right now I’m just so grateful you’re alive. I don’t feel traumatized from this birth. I got to go into labor on my own, I labored through strong contractions and felt amazing. I feel incredibly empowered by the fact that when shit hit the fan, I stayed calm. If I can focus on my breath through this, I can endure anything. And I know if you can fight back like you did, you most certainly can endure anything, too.

I’m sure there will come a time when I grieve the loss of the homebirth, the fact that I will never birth a child vaginally. But for now I focus on gratitude and a wonder at the universe. We were all so lucky on September 26, 2010, brought together by some force way bigger than us. Right now, the windows are open and a cool breeze blows across you and me. You’re asleep in my lap as I type, and I’m in awe of the mystery and power of your birth.

Love,

Mama